Father's Day

Yesterday was Father’s Day. I am extremely fortunate to still have both my parents and even though we live on different continents we are very much part of each other’s lives. My father is now in his mid-eighties and in poor health. His mind is sound but his body is frail. And when I see him there is always a part of me that gasps in shock at his diminished physical form. Once a giant of a man in my eyes, my protector, my provider, my champion, my moral compass, my rock, he is now bowed in pain and fragility.
I am one of those lucky girls, or women, who have or have had the privilege of having a great relationship with their father. I am a self proclaimed, proud, Daddy’s girl. For the longest time I didn’t realize the importance and rarity of this relationship. I thought this was the norm. It was only when I was much older that I started to realize a good father-daughter relationship is not every girl’s experience. And it took me even longer to realize how important and valuable this is.
My father is the first man I loved and the first man to love me. Little did I know how this love would shape my life. I grew up knowing each day I was loved and cherished. This love provided me with an enormous safety net in which I could live my life. It gave me a kind of freedom to be myself but also to explore. I could try things and whether I succeeded or failed I would always have a soft landing. I knew I could trust my father implicitly. I found out very quickly my father is a man of his word. He always does what he said he will, be it reward or punishment. As a child I found it reassuring to know my boundaries and the consequences if boundaries were breached. I knew and know where I stand with my father. His high standards were often challenging but I knew he never expected more from me than what he knew I was capable of. He believed in me, even through my rebellious teenage years and he still believes in me.
My father is an extraordinarily kind and thoughtful man. When he was still mobile, and I would go home to visit, he would always hide a stash of my favorite treats in my closet. Every few days the supply would magically be replenished. He has always done things like this – things that make you realize he is thinking about YOU! Now that he is no longer able to get around, he has passed this task onto my mother. I still have my stash of treats waiting for me when I visit.
There are so many stories I could tell of my father’s goodness, his principled life, his strength, and his sense of humor, but the purpose of this is not to give a list of his accomplishments but rather to show how his love has shaped my life.
It is my firm belief that you learn from all the people you encounter in your life. If your first life lesson from a man is positive, I think it guides you to look for more positive role models as you move through life. This first male role model sets the standard – be it positive or negative. It helps you determine what acceptable or appropriate behavior is from others. And it gives you the strength to navigate through the times when you have no option but to deal with negative behavior.
For me this has meant that the love and life example of my father has led to seek out and recognize other strong and positive men. I know what a good man looks like. I know how a good man treats his family. I know this because my father is a good man who has always loved me. He has loved me even when I cut my bangs off at the scalp, he loved me when I was a know-it-all teenager, and he loves me today.
I feel that love across the miles. It comforts me today, as it did when I was four and had a scraped knee, and when I was forty-two and my marriage ended. I think my father’s love has made me braver and stronger, and it inspires me to be kinder and more compassionate. It gives me the courage to challenge myself to do better and to do “good”. I think it made me a better wife, and it makes me a better friend. His love has made it easier for me to find other good men, who have also influenced my life. It makes me willing to hold out to find a good man and the courage to know that if I don’t find a good man, he has equipped me with all the skills I need to live a good life as a good woman.
The love of a father is a powerful thing and I am humbled and eternally grateful to have this love from my good father.