It's back to work after a long holiday weekend, although I seemed to "work" all weekend. Actually I accomplised a lot. The weather was glorious - okay it was really hot and humid, but after the miserable winter we had, I promised not to complain when it got hot. So, let's see how that promise holds up.
I cut the grass, trimmed the edges, trimmed tree and shrubs, took the trimmer into the woods and tried to reclaim some ground. I power washed the deck and screened porch, weeded the circle in my neighborhood, watered my vacationing neighbors plants, and then stained the porch and deck.
Along with entertaining some friends, general cleaning and laundry, a chick flick with my girl friends, that was the weekend in summary. Busy, productive, exhausting and strangely exhilarating.
As I was painstakingly painting the floor of the screened porch, I realized something. I was painting over the white porch floor that has been the bane of my life for 12 years. I was turning it into a glorious rich maghony color. As I painted, it dawned on me I was painting over a color that I had not chosen, but had to live with and deal with. Do you know how hard it is to keep a white floor on a screened porch clean?
As the chocolately color rolled onto each board, I had to acknowledge I was doing more than painting the porch floor, I was reclaiming it as my own. And I was doing it! I was taking back the porch and in doing so taking back another part of my life.
At some point in the weekend, I saw an interview with the author of a new book, called "Run like a Girl". In the book she talks about how women have used sports to empower themselves. As I painted, cut, trimmed,and more this weekend, I realized that every one of these actions was empowering me.
As I lay in bed last night, I looked back on the weekend, and felt good. I had checked off a lot of "things" on the to-do list, and I had accomplished a lot.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
What is the cost of being a "nice" girl?
Early this week I had an experience that was unpleasant and unsettling. And it has forced me to look at myself and ask some hard questions.
This incident relates to my professional life but the more I thought about it the more I realized the vulnerabilities in my work persona and also vulnerabilities in my personal life. There really is no difference between the two. But let me explain.
This weekend something went horribly wrong in my professional life (the details are not important). This was not something I could have prevented or avoided, it was outside of my control. I assessed the situation and made what I thought was the correct interim decision. All but two people agreed with my decision - a husband and wife duo. And the husband launched an attack on me that was completely irrational, brutal and very definitely unprofessional. I responded to him in a professional manner, trying to explain how the situation had occurred and why I had made my decision.
He was at that point of irrationality that no matter what I said he wasn't listening. So, I thought I would diffuse the situation by apologizing (actually I am not sure what I was apologizing for but I thought it might help). He refused to accept my apology saying he wanted me to acknowledge I was wrong and had made a mistake. I was not willing to do that! All of this was being witnessed (electronically) by others including my "real" boss.
My boss called me to tell me how inappropriate the other guy's behavior was and he was acting like a bully. He told me to brush it off, and not pay any attention to it. I reminded him this was easier said than done. This after all is my livelihood and this man wields a great deal of power. As a single person, I have one income - mine! And if something happens to my job I have no safety net. I have no family who can help support me.
My boss agreed I should definitely not provide the acknowledgment this person wanted but he said, "Let it go, it will all blow over in a few days!" And he is probably correct. It will blow over - at least until the next time. This is not the first time this man has lashed out at me for no rational reason.
I can understand my boss wants to avoid confronting this person, but if I say nothing what does that say about me? I know he would never say the things he said to me, to anyone else involved in this organization, so am I becoming his personal whipping boy?
Is my boss right when he says if I ignore the rancor I empower myself? Or does my silence give this person the message it is okay to treat me like this?
And this is what makes me ask questions about myself. I am generally what you would call a "nice girl". I truly believe in, and make a conscious choice to be nice - polite, respectful, kind... Does this "niceness" make some people think its okay to treat me badly? Does it open me to abusive behavior?
Do I do this in other areas of my life? I think of myself as a strong person, in fact I know I am a strong person, but do I put up with bad behavior in an attempt to be "nice"?
Food for thought!
This incident relates to my professional life but the more I thought about it the more I realized the vulnerabilities in my work persona and also vulnerabilities in my personal life. There really is no difference between the two. But let me explain.
This weekend something went horribly wrong in my professional life (the details are not important). This was not something I could have prevented or avoided, it was outside of my control. I assessed the situation and made what I thought was the correct interim decision. All but two people agreed with my decision - a husband and wife duo. And the husband launched an attack on me that was completely irrational, brutal and very definitely unprofessional. I responded to him in a professional manner, trying to explain how the situation had occurred and why I had made my decision.
He was at that point of irrationality that no matter what I said he wasn't listening. So, I thought I would diffuse the situation by apologizing (actually I am not sure what I was apologizing for but I thought it might help). He refused to accept my apology saying he wanted me to acknowledge I was wrong and had made a mistake. I was not willing to do that! All of this was being witnessed (electronically) by others including my "real" boss.
My boss called me to tell me how inappropriate the other guy's behavior was and he was acting like a bully. He told me to brush it off, and not pay any attention to it. I reminded him this was easier said than done. This after all is my livelihood and this man wields a great deal of power. As a single person, I have one income - mine! And if something happens to my job I have no safety net. I have no family who can help support me.
My boss agreed I should definitely not provide the acknowledgment this person wanted but he said, "Let it go, it will all blow over in a few days!" And he is probably correct. It will blow over - at least until the next time. This is not the first time this man has lashed out at me for no rational reason.
I can understand my boss wants to avoid confronting this person, but if I say nothing what does that say about me? I know he would never say the things he said to me, to anyone else involved in this organization, so am I becoming his personal whipping boy?
Is my boss right when he says if I ignore the rancor I empower myself? Or does my silence give this person the message it is okay to treat me like this?
And this is what makes me ask questions about myself. I am generally what you would call a "nice girl". I truly believe in, and make a conscious choice to be nice - polite, respectful, kind... Does this "niceness" make some people think its okay to treat me badly? Does it open me to abusive behavior?
Do I do this in other areas of my life? I think of myself as a strong person, in fact I know I am a strong person, but do I put up with bad behavior in an attempt to be "nice"?
Food for thought!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Post Royal Wedding Thoughts
I am willing to admit I am one of the many that set their alarms for 4am on Friday morning to watch the Royal Wedding. I have several reasons for this, first, I am an unashamed Angophile, second, I watched Charles and Diana's wedding thirty years ago and being able to watch their son's wedding seemed fitting, and third, at heart I am a romantic.
That being said, I am not a big believer of fairy tales. I have lived long enough to know your prince may come but like all the rest of us, a prince is a human being who is flawed. The same goes for the princess. We are all flawed. So, it wasn't seeing a "commoner" marrying her prince and living happily ever after that appealed to me. It was much more.
Weddings, or really good weddings, or maybe I should say really "earnest" weddings with heartfelt emotions are to me, a symbol of the some of the best of what we as human beings are capable of. Think of it, despite all the negative things going on in the rest of the world, with sky rocketing divorce rates, two people stand up and say, "We think we can make it!"
There is something so courageous about that, and that is so appealing to me.
On a daily basis, we see betrayal,relationships falling apart, messy, horrible divorces, children tugged between parents and much more. It can make us doubt ourselves, our way of life and what we believe in. It certainly makes us doubt the whole fairy tale! And yet, every day, couples across the world defy the odds. Now some of the skeptics out there may say this is not courage but foolishness. Why would you embark on marriage when the success rate is falling? Why indeed?
Do we continue to pledge our love to another because we are foolish, or because we are courageous? Do we do this because we think "our" love will survive, or that we will be different? Or do we do this because we as human beings need to believe in the future, in hope and in love?
Maybe now more than ever we need the kind of love that makes us feel we can overcome everything placed in front of us. When we watch a couple look into each other's eyes and see only possibility, we want that too.
We want the feeling someone is willing to promise their all to us, but probably more importantly, we want, even for a few moments, to have someone believe in us, in our very best self, and see all the promise and possibilities we have! Our flawed imperfect selves for that moment become a prince or princess or if you prefer a super hero! Have you ever listen to someone talk about the love of their life and watched their face transform, their eyes sparkle. They see that person in ways that you don't see them.
So, when I watched that young couple on Friday, I saw a couple showing the world despite all that has happened in the world, in their own families, they were willing to take the chance on each other and on love.
Who knows how things will turn out for them, but I hope they defy the odds. I hope they have a long and happy life together. Because that will give us all hope and courage.
That being said, I am not a big believer of fairy tales. I have lived long enough to know your prince may come but like all the rest of us, a prince is a human being who is flawed. The same goes for the princess. We are all flawed. So, it wasn't seeing a "commoner" marrying her prince and living happily ever after that appealed to me. It was much more.
Weddings, or really good weddings, or maybe I should say really "earnest" weddings with heartfelt emotions are to me, a symbol of the some of the best of what we as human beings are capable of. Think of it, despite all the negative things going on in the rest of the world, with sky rocketing divorce rates, two people stand up and say, "We think we can make it!"
There is something so courageous about that, and that is so appealing to me.
On a daily basis, we see betrayal,relationships falling apart, messy, horrible divorces, children tugged between parents and much more. It can make us doubt ourselves, our way of life and what we believe in. It certainly makes us doubt the whole fairy tale! And yet, every day, couples across the world defy the odds. Now some of the skeptics out there may say this is not courage but foolishness. Why would you embark on marriage when the success rate is falling? Why indeed?
Do we continue to pledge our love to another because we are foolish, or because we are courageous? Do we do this because we think "our" love will survive, or that we will be different? Or do we do this because we as human beings need to believe in the future, in hope and in love?
Maybe now more than ever we need the kind of love that makes us feel we can overcome everything placed in front of us. When we watch a couple look into each other's eyes and see only possibility, we want that too.
We want the feeling someone is willing to promise their all to us, but probably more importantly, we want, even for a few moments, to have someone believe in us, in our very best self, and see all the promise and possibilities we have! Our flawed imperfect selves for that moment become a prince or princess or if you prefer a super hero! Have you ever listen to someone talk about the love of their life and watched their face transform, their eyes sparkle. They see that person in ways that you don't see them.
So, when I watched that young couple on Friday, I saw a couple showing the world despite all that has happened in the world, in their own families, they were willing to take the chance on each other and on love.
Who knows how things will turn out for them, but I hope they defy the odds. I hope they have a long and happy life together. Because that will give us all hope and courage.
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