Letting go of the past

Last night, or early this morning I had a strange and disturbing dream. It was one of those dreams where you want to wake up but you can't.

The dream was about my ex. This is not an unusual topic in my dream life. Unfortunately my ex spends way too much time in my dreams, and its never really good. It not like I dream about the "good old days" and there were many of them. The dreams always have us together again, never happy but together, and they leave me angry at myself that I can't stop him from trepassing in my dreams and more than a little disturbed.

But this dream was different. It was the same theme again but it felt different. We were back together but he was doing all sorts of things to isolate me. We moved to some remote place and we were far from everyone and everything familiar. He knew his way around and I didn't and he was doing everything in his power to keep it that way. He took my cell phone away and got me a new one that was part of his cell phone plan. He never let me speak to anyone alone. And he did all these things in a way that initially made me feel like he was taking care of me, like he was trying to make my life easier. But every action made me uneasy, I got that sick feeling, that intuitive feeling that things are not right. Even in my dream state, I realized that this is what abusers do. I could feel the panic growing, and I kept trying to wake myself up, but couldn't. In some ways I wanted to see how this would work out. The fact that my ex was not abusive made this scenario even more scary, because I felt I was in unchartered waters. Like most dreams I don't remember all the details, but I remember realizing that some way I had to make sure I had my own cell phone so I could call someone to help. I knew I had to try and remember the way back.

When I finally woke I felt sick. Why had I dreamt this, what did it mean? Did it mean that I am still being held captive by my past. And if that's the case, when will I ever be free?

As I walked the dog, the cold air helped to calm my thoughts. I tried to make peace within myself to quiet all these thoughts. It slowly dawned on me that the reality of my situation is that I am now in a more secure and empowered situation than my ex. When we first split up I had really worried about my future. He was a wealthy man who left me with little or no support and I had no idea how I was going to cope. But somehow I have and while I am far from being financially comfortable I am in a better financial situation than he is. I don't say this with any sense of one-upmanship. I didn't know until recently that he has not had a real job for almost 2 years, and is being supported by his significant other while he stays home with their children.

So, if the balance of power has shifted, then why the dream, and why the awful feeling of being isolated and so vulnerable. Maybe my subconscience hasn't caught up with reality yet. It seems letting go of the past is more difficult than dealing with reality.