The Art of Vulnerability

Earlier this week I had lunch with one of my very few single friends. We had not seen each other in a while so there was a lot to catch up on - work, family, mutual friends and of course dating. Or in our case, the lack of dating.

Now she is single, but she has not yet reached the "senior" stage of her life. She said she was almost ready to dive back into the on-line dating pool, but she was really cautious. She has also had some "interesting" things happen to her in her previous on-line dating attempts. I looked at her and wondered why she is still single. She is beautiful, athletic, intelligent, financially secure, great job, and just a lovely personality. Was this not enough, or are men looking for something else, something more or maybe something less?

We both "talk" for a living. What I mean is we both spend most of our time talking to people, building collaborative partnerships and generally trying to make people feel comfortable with us. So, I wondered if we were both doing this when we went on dates. I know when friends had asked me if I got nervous before a first date, I would say "No, not really, because I treat these first dates like I would a business meeting." I deal with any anxiety about meeting someone in much the same way as I would when meeting a new business associate. Go in with confidence, make them feel at ease, listen well but be prepared to carry the conversation if needed. Think on your feet, respond to cues...


I know this has caused problems for me, as it almost takes away that gut feeling you have about someone. As a result I have never been able to figure out if a date has been successful or not. I also know many dates have been turned off by my seemingly absent vulnerability. Was this what my friend was doing as well?

It's strange to me how we strive to be strong and independant, and work on overcoming our vulnerabilities. And yet, perhaps it is our vulnerabilities that make us appealing to others at an emotional level. Perhaps we are programmed to respond to vulnerability. The cry of a baby, the whine of a dog, the anguish of a friend - we all respond to these signs of fragility.

But as we grow isn't it good that we try to be strong? Does being strong mean we aren't vulnerable? The way I look at it, being strong means you know about being vulnerable, you know about weakness and human fragility. Lurking under the surface of calm composure is a vulnerable, fragile person.

I wondered if my friend and I have become so accomplished at the art of conversation that we have lost the art of vulnerability.