Earlier this week I had lunch with one of my very few single friends. We had not seen each other in a while so there was a lot to catch up on - work, family, mutual friends and of course dating. Or in our case, the lack of dating.
Now she is single, but she has not yet reached the "senior" stage of her life. She said she was almost ready to dive back into the on-line dating pool, but she was really cautious. She has also had some "interesting" things happen to her in her previous on-line dating attempts. I looked at her and wondered why she is still single. She is beautiful, athletic, intelligent, financially secure, great job, and just a lovely personality. Was this not enough, or are men looking for something else, something more or maybe something less?
We both "talk" for a living. What I mean is we both spend most of our time talking to people, building collaborative partnerships and generally trying to make people feel comfortable with us. So, I wondered if we were both doing this when we went on dates. I know when friends had asked me if I got nervous before a first date, I would say "No, not really, because I treat these first dates like I would a business meeting." I deal with any anxiety about meeting someone in much the same way as I would when meeting a new business associate. Go in with confidence, make them feel at ease, listen well but be prepared to carry the conversation if needed. Think on your feet, respond to cues...
I know this has caused problems for me, as it almost takes away that gut feeling you have about someone. As a result I have never been able to figure out if a date has been successful or not. I also know many dates have been turned off by my seemingly absent vulnerability. Was this what my friend was doing as well?
It's strange to me how we strive to be strong and independant, and work on overcoming our vulnerabilities. And yet, perhaps it is our vulnerabilities that make us appealing to others at an emotional level. Perhaps we are programmed to respond to vulnerability. The cry of a baby, the whine of a dog, the anguish of a friend - we all respond to these signs of fragility.
But as we grow isn't it good that we try to be strong? Does being strong mean we aren't vulnerable? The way I look at it, being strong means you know about being vulnerable, you know about weakness and human fragility. Lurking under the surface of calm composure is a vulnerable, fragile person.
I wondered if my friend and I have become so accomplished at the art of conversation that we have lost the art of vulnerability.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Internet perils
The past few days the media has been covering a story about a woman in California who has filed a civil suit against Match.com because she felt they should have done more to protect her. She alleges a man she met on Match.com sexually assaulted her and he has been convicted on similar albeit misdemeanor crimes.
She wants Match.com to screen all members against the sexual predator registry. It looks like Match.com is going to do this. I listened to this story and read lots of the comments going back on forth on various websites. People have strong opinions on this. They range from thinking it's ridiculous to think Match.com had any liability in this, to thinking she's right and supporting her.
I have some thoughts on this. First of all, I am really sorry this woman or any person should have to endure a sexual assault. I know the guy is saying its consentual but in my opinion (and I acknowledge its only my opinion) I do think she was assaulted. He has a history of this and generally speaking history is the best predictor of future behavior. The fact that the previous charges were "only" misdemeanours" really just shows how loopy our justice system is.
That being said, I think Match.com has little or no liability in this. Anyone joining signs a waiver of liability. Match.com's offer to screen members against the register sex offenders list doesn't hold much water. I would assume if you were trolling the profiles of Match.com and you are a registered sex offender, you probably wouldn't use your real name. Well, unless you were as stupid as you are deviant! Also, in this particular case this guy would not have shown up on the federal registry as his previous run-ins were misdemeanors.
So, if Match.com implements this new policy, will its members be more protected, or falsely secure?
Lets face a few facts: most sex offenders know their way around, so they will find ways to get around this. If people lie about their age, their height, their weight, their marital status, I think they will find a way to lie their way around this.
Let's not forget many sexual predators are never arrested, charged or convicted. Sexual assaults remain under reported and under prosecuted. These people are arch manipulators and many can be charming. But this also means they would not show up in any screening process. If we are relying on Match.com and other similar sites to screen out the "bad guys and gals" are we deluding ourselves?
While I think these sites should do everything they can to protect their members, I think we need to go into these encounters with our eyes wide open. We need to accept not everyone is playing fair and we need to be skeptical.
For many of us who lasted dated in the previous century, we have to accept things have changed - dating has changed. We can blame it on whatever we want to blame it on, we can complain its not fair, but it is our reality.
I remember when I dated the first time (last century). It was customary for the guy to pick you up at your parents home or at your apartment. That was the norm and any guy who expected you to meet him somewhere was just not a gentleman. Today the reality is different. We can't have someone we barely know come to our house we were we probably live alone. Now we meet the man of the moment in a public place. At least one friend needs to know where you are going on the date and you will text that friend later to say you are home safely. If you have our date's name, you will probably google them, and you should expect they will do the same with you.
We can hate this, but its our reality. We live in a time when you can find information about someone that can protect you, but you have to be aware they can find information about you that can hurt you.
She wants Match.com to screen all members against the sexual predator registry. It looks like Match.com is going to do this. I listened to this story and read lots of the comments going back on forth on various websites. People have strong opinions on this. They range from thinking it's ridiculous to think Match.com had any liability in this, to thinking she's right and supporting her.
I have some thoughts on this. First of all, I am really sorry this woman or any person should have to endure a sexual assault. I know the guy is saying its consentual but in my opinion (and I acknowledge its only my opinion) I do think she was assaulted. He has a history of this and generally speaking history is the best predictor of future behavior. The fact that the previous charges were "only" misdemeanours" really just shows how loopy our justice system is.
That being said, I think Match.com has little or no liability in this. Anyone joining signs a waiver of liability. Match.com's offer to screen members against the register sex offenders list doesn't hold much water. I would assume if you were trolling the profiles of Match.com and you are a registered sex offender, you probably wouldn't use your real name. Well, unless you were as stupid as you are deviant! Also, in this particular case this guy would not have shown up on the federal registry as his previous run-ins were misdemeanors.
So, if Match.com implements this new policy, will its members be more protected, or falsely secure?
Lets face a few facts: most sex offenders know their way around, so they will find ways to get around this. If people lie about their age, their height, their weight, their marital status, I think they will find a way to lie their way around this.
Let's not forget many sexual predators are never arrested, charged or convicted. Sexual assaults remain under reported and under prosecuted. These people are arch manipulators and many can be charming. But this also means they would not show up in any screening process. If we are relying on Match.com and other similar sites to screen out the "bad guys and gals" are we deluding ourselves?
While I think these sites should do everything they can to protect their members, I think we need to go into these encounters with our eyes wide open. We need to accept not everyone is playing fair and we need to be skeptical.
For many of us who lasted dated in the previous century, we have to accept things have changed - dating has changed. We can blame it on whatever we want to blame it on, we can complain its not fair, but it is our reality.
I remember when I dated the first time (last century). It was customary for the guy to pick you up at your parents home or at your apartment. That was the norm and any guy who expected you to meet him somewhere was just not a gentleman. Today the reality is different. We can't have someone we barely know come to our house we were we probably live alone. Now we meet the man of the moment in a public place. At least one friend needs to know where you are going on the date and you will text that friend later to say you are home safely. If you have our date's name, you will probably google them, and you should expect they will do the same with you.
We can hate this, but its our reality. We live in a time when you can find information about someone that can protect you, but you have to be aware they can find information about you that can hurt you.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Be careful what you wish for!
In my last post I wrote about one of my experiences with eHarmony, so in an effort to be inclusive, this post will be about some of my experiences on the on-line dating service that claims to have led to more marriages than any other on-line dating service - Match.com!
Unlike eHarmony, Match.com allows its members to going on a "fishing expedition". You select your search criteria and then everyone that falls within those criteria pops up for you to look at. Strangely enough there are always some people who don't match the selection criteria that also pop up. Its almost as though the computer is testing to see if you are paying attention, or maybe the computer is suggesting it may have better judgement than you!
Now remember while you are "fishing" so are other Match.com members. So while you may be carefully selecting criteria, you have no real control over who is looking at your profile, which can result in some interesting situations.
My friends all know when asked what kind of man I am looking for, I often answer jokingly, a very old, very ill, very rich man! And honestly, I really am joking. But as they say, be careful what you wish for.
I received an email from Match.com informing me I had mail from another member. I quickly logged in and opened the email. It was from an 85 year old man. It was a lovely email, saying he knew he was outside of my stated age range but my profile had caught his eye and he thought we had a lot in common. He went on to say he was young for his age, but right now was not as active as he liked because he had just had hip replacement surgery! I hate to admit it, but I laughed for days about this. Not at him but at the situation and the universe.
So, there I had it, a very old, somewhat ill man, no idea about the very rich part, but two out of three of the things I said I was looking for. As my mother used to remind my brother and me - don't joke about serious things! Clearly the universe has a sense of humor.
I have to say,as I read this gentleman's profile, he did have one of the more interesting profiles I have read on Match.com, but I really couldn't see myself with someone my father's age. So, I wrote a very polite email saying thanks but no thanks, and seriously considered terminating my Match.com membership. But it would take much more to do that!
Unlike eHarmony, Match.com allows its members to going on a "fishing expedition". You select your search criteria and then everyone that falls within those criteria pops up for you to look at. Strangely enough there are always some people who don't match the selection criteria that also pop up. Its almost as though the computer is testing to see if you are paying attention, or maybe the computer is suggesting it may have better judgement than you!
Now remember while you are "fishing" so are other Match.com members. So while you may be carefully selecting criteria, you have no real control over who is looking at your profile, which can result in some interesting situations.
My friends all know when asked what kind of man I am looking for, I often answer jokingly, a very old, very ill, very rich man! And honestly, I really am joking. But as they say, be careful what you wish for.
I received an email from Match.com informing me I had mail from another member. I quickly logged in and opened the email. It was from an 85 year old man. It was a lovely email, saying he knew he was outside of my stated age range but my profile had caught his eye and he thought we had a lot in common. He went on to say he was young for his age, but right now was not as active as he liked because he had just had hip replacement surgery! I hate to admit it, but I laughed for days about this. Not at him but at the situation and the universe.
So, there I had it, a very old, somewhat ill man, no idea about the very rich part, but two out of three of the things I said I was looking for. As my mother used to remind my brother and me - don't joke about serious things! Clearly the universe has a sense of humor.
I have to say,as I read this gentleman's profile, he did have one of the more interesting profiles I have read on Match.com, but I really couldn't see myself with someone my father's age. So, I wrote a very polite email saying thanks but no thanks, and seriously considered terminating my Match.com membership. But it would take much more to do that!
Monday, April 11, 2011
On-line dating/lying
Almost everyone who asks about my marital status, also asks me why I don't try on-line dating services, because, they go onto to tell me, their cousin (or some one they know) met their fiancee/husband/whatever on Match.com or eHarmony or one of the many on-line options out there.
Well, of course I have tried on-line dating, and so have many of my friends, and we have stories to tell, just not success stories! I have to say that my on-line experiences have been worth the comedic value if nothing else. But then it usually requires a little time and distance to appreciate the humor in some of these situations.
I have several stories about on-line dating, so I am only going to tell one of them today. Let's start with eHarmony. This on-line dating service is generally the most highly regarded because it apparently selects potential partners on 27 (or is it 37) points of compatibility.
Unlike most of the other sites, you can't browse through the lists of singles. You have to go through their lengthy process and then their software sends you potential suitors.
But long before you get to this point, you have to complete a long, long questionaire and personality profile, provide photos, etc. I was actually surprised they didn't ask for a blood panel and a DNA swab!
Then when that is done you receive a personality profile that is supposed to help you better understand yourself and what kind of person would best match you. Then the matching begins.
You wait, and wait and then you get an email message saying that there's a match. You can click on that person's profile and get some information. But then you begin the next round. You send questions to them, then if you are really lucky they answer them and ask you some questions. This goes on for a few more rounds before you get to the ultimate - OPEN COMMUNICATIONS. This allows you to email back and forth and then decide what next steps you would like to take. So, that sounds quite good. It protects your privacy to some extent and you can take your time to get to know someone a little better, right?
Well, maybe! Most of the "matches" you receive never respond - no "I am not interested", or "I have met someone", just no response! So when you do get a response its pretty exciting, even though the process is long and exhausting. Because you have been matched with this other person on all these levels of compatibility, it makes you feel at least a little optimistic. I mean this computer has to be smarter than you or your well meaning friends and relatives, right?
Well, maybe not. And here is my story. I was matched with this guy, who seemed to have an interesting profile, didn't live with his mother, you know, he seemed normal. Among the many things covered in his profile he said his height was 5'7". I am 5'4" and I am not overly concerned about height, so this was a non issue for me. My ex is 6'4" so I thought maybe someone closer in height to me would be good. After jumping through all of eHarmony's hoops, we finally got to the point where we had a phone conversation. He seemed again, "normal" and we decided to meet for coffee one Saturday morning.
It was summer, so I wore a cute summer dress and some sandals with a mid height heel (maybe 2 inches at the most). So, that would make me 5'6", so imagine my surprise when I saw my "match" and he was definitely shorter than me, WITHOUT my heels! Yikes! Why would he lie about that? Why would he lie about anything really? But something like height? Did he think I wouldn't notice? We made polite conversation, but I was relieved when the date was over. Starting with such an obvious lie meant this was going no where.
At the time of this story I had 3 friends who were all using eHarmony. We are all around about the same age, live in the same city, but that is where the similarity ends. From a personality perspective, we could not be more different. We were together for a drink and started talking about our dating woes. I started to relate this story when one of the girls stopped me. "Is his name Frank?" she asked. "Yes", I said and she burst out laughing. She had been matched with him too! And as we talked more, we discovered that we had all been matched with him. One friend had never received a reply from him, and the other had indicated she was not interested. She said she was puzzled that she had even been matched with him as she had given specific criteria relating to height. She stands 5'11" in her bare feet so she had indicated that she didn't want to be matched with anyone less than 5'10".
The friend who had gone on the date is a petite 5'2" and she had worn flats on her date and she was still taller than him. While we all laughed at his audacity to lie about something that would be immediately obvious, we wondered about a lot of other things.
Is that computer really that smart. On what levels of compatibility had we been matched. The four of us have such different taste in men (and most other things) so why would we have all been matched with the same guy? In fact, when you get to a certain age and you live in a smaller community that is very couple oriented, does the computer yell uncle and throw out all the search criteria? Is the sample size just too small? Does the computer in desperation, just say, "they are basically in the same age range, they live in the same geographic region, there is not much more that I can do - take it or leave it!"
Well, of course I have tried on-line dating, and so have many of my friends, and we have stories to tell, just not success stories! I have to say that my on-line experiences have been worth the comedic value if nothing else. But then it usually requires a little time and distance to appreciate the humor in some of these situations.
I have several stories about on-line dating, so I am only going to tell one of them today. Let's start with eHarmony. This on-line dating service is generally the most highly regarded because it apparently selects potential partners on 27 (or is it 37) points of compatibility.
Unlike most of the other sites, you can't browse through the lists of singles. You have to go through their lengthy process and then their software sends you potential suitors.
But long before you get to this point, you have to complete a long, long questionaire and personality profile, provide photos, etc. I was actually surprised they didn't ask for a blood panel and a DNA swab!
Then when that is done you receive a personality profile that is supposed to help you better understand yourself and what kind of person would best match you. Then the matching begins.
You wait, and wait and then you get an email message saying that there's a match. You can click on that person's profile and get some information. But then you begin the next round. You send questions to them, then if you are really lucky they answer them and ask you some questions. This goes on for a few more rounds before you get to the ultimate - OPEN COMMUNICATIONS. This allows you to email back and forth and then decide what next steps you would like to take. So, that sounds quite good. It protects your privacy to some extent and you can take your time to get to know someone a little better, right?
Well, maybe! Most of the "matches" you receive never respond - no "I am not interested", or "I have met someone", just no response! So when you do get a response its pretty exciting, even though the process is long and exhausting. Because you have been matched with this other person on all these levels of compatibility, it makes you feel at least a little optimistic. I mean this computer has to be smarter than you or your well meaning friends and relatives, right?
Well, maybe not. And here is my story. I was matched with this guy, who seemed to have an interesting profile, didn't live with his mother, you know, he seemed normal. Among the many things covered in his profile he said his height was 5'7". I am 5'4" and I am not overly concerned about height, so this was a non issue for me. My ex is 6'4" so I thought maybe someone closer in height to me would be good. After jumping through all of eHarmony's hoops, we finally got to the point where we had a phone conversation. He seemed again, "normal" and we decided to meet for coffee one Saturday morning.
It was summer, so I wore a cute summer dress and some sandals with a mid height heel (maybe 2 inches at the most). So, that would make me 5'6", so imagine my surprise when I saw my "match" and he was definitely shorter than me, WITHOUT my heels! Yikes! Why would he lie about that? Why would he lie about anything really? But something like height? Did he think I wouldn't notice? We made polite conversation, but I was relieved when the date was over. Starting with such an obvious lie meant this was going no where.
At the time of this story I had 3 friends who were all using eHarmony. We are all around about the same age, live in the same city, but that is where the similarity ends. From a personality perspective, we could not be more different. We were together for a drink and started talking about our dating woes. I started to relate this story when one of the girls stopped me. "Is his name Frank?" she asked. "Yes", I said and she burst out laughing. She had been matched with him too! And as we talked more, we discovered that we had all been matched with him. One friend had never received a reply from him, and the other had indicated she was not interested. She said she was puzzled that she had even been matched with him as she had given specific criteria relating to height. She stands 5'11" in her bare feet so she had indicated that she didn't want to be matched with anyone less than 5'10".
The friend who had gone on the date is a petite 5'2" and she had worn flats on her date and she was still taller than him. While we all laughed at his audacity to lie about something that would be immediately obvious, we wondered about a lot of other things.
Is that computer really that smart. On what levels of compatibility had we been matched. The four of us have such different taste in men (and most other things) so why would we have all been matched with the same guy? In fact, when you get to a certain age and you live in a smaller community that is very couple oriented, does the computer yell uncle and throw out all the search criteria? Is the sample size just too small? Does the computer in desperation, just say, "they are basically in the same age range, they live in the same geographic region, there is not much more that I can do - take it or leave it!"
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
A new matchmaker
Yesterday I went to see my doctor. We went through the whole medical routine and then came his usual question, "Who are you dating?"
"I am having a wonderful and fulfilling relationship with myself, thank you", I responded. He chuckled, he has heard this before from me. He then went on to explain that being in a relationship has longevity benefits. I wanted to ask just how much longer he thought I could live if I were in a relationship. I also wanted to ask what he thought I could do to keep occupied for these additional years and then exactly how was I going to fund these additional years.
But I didn't because in a previous visit he had been strongly encouraging me to add a bunch of supplements to my diet and I was being resistant (also sometimes classified as stubborn). He went onto ask me this, "Don't you want to live to be 120?" "No!" I responded, "I definitely don't want to!" What in the heck would I do. I have achieved most of the things on my "list" - so what in heavens name would I do with all that time. And quite frankly, unless he can guarantee that I would be in good health until the day before I keel over, I really wasn't interested in extending my life beyond the expected norm. He was shocked to say the least. For a few moments he couldn't say anything. Finally he said I was the first patient to ever say this to him. I think I might be the first patient to say this, but surely not the first to think it!
So, in light of this previous exchange I didn't say what I was thinking. Instead, I foolishly suggested that if he is this concerned about my single status maybe he should start a dating service. He looked thoughtful for a moment, but said nothing so I felt I had safely dodge the bullet.
When the appointment ended he walked with me to the reception area. Sitting there was the last patient of the day - a man! And an age appropriate man at that! The doc shot a glance in my direction. OMG! Really! He looked at the guy and looked at me, doing that kind of head movement that clearly cries out "What about him - what do you think about him?"
I tried to engage the receptionist in conversation to avoid eye contact with either the doctor or the patient. My fabulous doctor was beaming. Not only is he a doctor, but now he is playing at being a matchmaker!
Please God, this poor patient didn't pick up on all these signals. But I have to hand it to the doc, A+ for effort!
"I am having a wonderful and fulfilling relationship with myself, thank you", I responded. He chuckled, he has heard this before from me. He then went on to explain that being in a relationship has longevity benefits. I wanted to ask just how much longer he thought I could live if I were in a relationship. I also wanted to ask what he thought I could do to keep occupied for these additional years and then exactly how was I going to fund these additional years.
But I didn't because in a previous visit he had been strongly encouraging me to add a bunch of supplements to my diet and I was being resistant (also sometimes classified as stubborn). He went onto ask me this, "Don't you want to live to be 120?" "No!" I responded, "I definitely don't want to!" What in the heck would I do. I have achieved most of the things on my "list" - so what in heavens name would I do with all that time. And quite frankly, unless he can guarantee that I would be in good health until the day before I keel over, I really wasn't interested in extending my life beyond the expected norm. He was shocked to say the least. For a few moments he couldn't say anything. Finally he said I was the first patient to ever say this to him. I think I might be the first patient to say this, but surely not the first to think it!
So, in light of this previous exchange I didn't say what I was thinking. Instead, I foolishly suggested that if he is this concerned about my single status maybe he should start a dating service. He looked thoughtful for a moment, but said nothing so I felt I had safely dodge the bullet.
When the appointment ended he walked with me to the reception area. Sitting there was the last patient of the day - a man! And an age appropriate man at that! The doc shot a glance in my direction. OMG! Really! He looked at the guy and looked at me, doing that kind of head movement that clearly cries out "What about him - what do you think about him?"
I tried to engage the receptionist in conversation to avoid eye contact with either the doctor or the patient. My fabulous doctor was beaming. Not only is he a doctor, but now he is playing at being a matchmaker!
Please God, this poor patient didn't pick up on all these signals. But I have to hand it to the doc, A+ for effort!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Letting go of the past
Last night, or early this morning I had a strange and disturbing dream. It was one of those dreams where you want to wake up but you can't.
The dream was about my ex. This is not an unusual topic in my dream life. Unfortunately my ex spends way too much time in my dreams, and its never really good. It not like I dream about the "good old days" and there were many of them. The dreams always have us together again, never happy but together, and they leave me angry at myself that I can't stop him from trepassing in my dreams and more than a little disturbed.
But this dream was different. It was the same theme again but it felt different. We were back together but he was doing all sorts of things to isolate me. We moved to some remote place and we were far from everyone and everything familiar. He knew his way around and I didn't and he was doing everything in his power to keep it that way. He took my cell phone away and got me a new one that was part of his cell phone plan. He never let me speak to anyone alone. And he did all these things in a way that initially made me feel like he was taking care of me, like he was trying to make my life easier. But every action made me uneasy, I got that sick feeling, that intuitive feeling that things are not right. Even in my dream state, I realized that this is what abusers do. I could feel the panic growing, and I kept trying to wake myself up, but couldn't. In some ways I wanted to see how this would work out. The fact that my ex was not abusive made this scenario even more scary, because I felt I was in unchartered waters. Like most dreams I don't remember all the details, but I remember realizing that some way I had to make sure I had my own cell phone so I could call someone to help. I knew I had to try and remember the way back.
When I finally woke I felt sick. Why had I dreamt this, what did it mean? Did it mean that I am still being held captive by my past. And if that's the case, when will I ever be free?
As I walked the dog, the cold air helped to calm my thoughts. I tried to make peace within myself to quiet all these thoughts. It slowly dawned on me that the reality of my situation is that I am now in a more secure and empowered situation than my ex. When we first split up I had really worried about my future. He was a wealthy man who left me with little or no support and I had no idea how I was going to cope. But somehow I have and while I am far from being financially comfortable I am in a better financial situation than he is. I don't say this with any sense of one-upmanship. I didn't know until recently that he has not had a real job for almost 2 years, and is being supported by his significant other while he stays home with their children.
So, if the balance of power has shifted, then why the dream, and why the awful feeling of being isolated and so vulnerable. Maybe my subconscience hasn't caught up with reality yet. It seems letting go of the past is more difficult than dealing with reality.
The dream was about my ex. This is not an unusual topic in my dream life. Unfortunately my ex spends way too much time in my dreams, and its never really good. It not like I dream about the "good old days" and there were many of them. The dreams always have us together again, never happy but together, and they leave me angry at myself that I can't stop him from trepassing in my dreams and more than a little disturbed.
But this dream was different. It was the same theme again but it felt different. We were back together but he was doing all sorts of things to isolate me. We moved to some remote place and we were far from everyone and everything familiar. He knew his way around and I didn't and he was doing everything in his power to keep it that way. He took my cell phone away and got me a new one that was part of his cell phone plan. He never let me speak to anyone alone. And he did all these things in a way that initially made me feel like he was taking care of me, like he was trying to make my life easier. But every action made me uneasy, I got that sick feeling, that intuitive feeling that things are not right. Even in my dream state, I realized that this is what abusers do. I could feel the panic growing, and I kept trying to wake myself up, but couldn't. In some ways I wanted to see how this would work out. The fact that my ex was not abusive made this scenario even more scary, because I felt I was in unchartered waters. Like most dreams I don't remember all the details, but I remember realizing that some way I had to make sure I had my own cell phone so I could call someone to help. I knew I had to try and remember the way back.
When I finally woke I felt sick. Why had I dreamt this, what did it mean? Did it mean that I am still being held captive by my past. And if that's the case, when will I ever be free?
As I walked the dog, the cold air helped to calm my thoughts. I tried to make peace within myself to quiet all these thoughts. It slowly dawned on me that the reality of my situation is that I am now in a more secure and empowered situation than my ex. When we first split up I had really worried about my future. He was a wealthy man who left me with little or no support and I had no idea how I was going to cope. But somehow I have and while I am far from being financially comfortable I am in a better financial situation than he is. I don't say this with any sense of one-upmanship. I didn't know until recently that he has not had a real job for almost 2 years, and is being supported by his significant other while he stays home with their children.
So, if the balance of power has shifted, then why the dream, and why the awful feeling of being isolated and so vulnerable. Maybe my subconscience hasn't caught up with reality yet. It seems letting go of the past is more difficult than dealing with reality.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Single Set-ups
At my recent birthday party, as I predicted, the conversation turned toward my single status. Now strangely enough, my friends never set me up on dates. Perhaps I shouldn't say never, but I can count the number of times they have on one hand and that is in almost ten years.
So, while they "worry" about me being single, it seems they like to talk about it but don't feel compelled to take any action. Often when I meet people as I travel around, they all say to me with some conviction, "I bet your friends set you up all the time". "No," I reply, "not really." "Why?" they ask, and I never really have a good answer. I have asked my friends this question and here are some of the answers I get:
"You seem so together, it doesn't seem like you need help"
"I am too picky for you"
"I think you're too picky"
"I don't know any single guys"
"Well, I kinda like that you're always there for me and if you were in a relationship it wouldn't be like that anymore"
"I never think you need help with anything"
And the list goes on! As I look at this list and think back on these conversations, I really am puzzled. My friends obviously like/love me, they know I am not finding anyone on my own, they keep saying I should have someone, and I deserve to have someone wonderful in my life, so what's going on?
Now in fairness, I should tell you about the dates they have set up for me because maybe my response to these dates has colored their decision to not set me up anymore. And aside from that, I think it might help me to figure somethings out.
Set up with the age appropriate guy. - This is a guy who is close in age to me. There have been a couple of these. My problem with these guys is that although they are close in age to me they fall into one of two categories:
1. They really want a younger partner - really young who will not be a threat to them and who will see them as a good provider/mealticket/fill in the blank.
2. They say they want someone close to their age, but their "real" age is much older aka. boring! My 85 year old father is more interesting than some of these guys!
Set up with the much younger guy. This is a particular favorite of some of my friends who are themselves quite a lot younger than me. Some of the guys have been more than 20 years younger than me, and when I ask my friends why they would consider this to be a good match, they glibly say "Age doesn't matter", or "You don't look your age." Well, age might not matter when you are young, but when the guy thinks "Out of Africa" is a movie classic or only ever communicates via text messaging, then age does matter.
So, what is the real issue? Do my friends like me being single or am I just really hard to please? Are there no suitable men out there, or are they just not suitable for me?
So, while they "worry" about me being single, it seems they like to talk about it but don't feel compelled to take any action. Often when I meet people as I travel around, they all say to me with some conviction, "I bet your friends set you up all the time". "No," I reply, "not really." "Why?" they ask, and I never really have a good answer. I have asked my friends this question and here are some of the answers I get:
"You seem so together, it doesn't seem like you need help"
"I am too picky for you"
"I think you're too picky"
"I don't know any single guys"
"Well, I kinda like that you're always there for me and if you were in a relationship it wouldn't be like that anymore"
"I never think you need help with anything"
And the list goes on! As I look at this list and think back on these conversations, I really am puzzled. My friends obviously like/love me, they know I am not finding anyone on my own, they keep saying I should have someone, and I deserve to have someone wonderful in my life, so what's going on?
Now in fairness, I should tell you about the dates they have set up for me because maybe my response to these dates has colored their decision to not set me up anymore. And aside from that, I think it might help me to figure somethings out.
Set up with the age appropriate guy. - This is a guy who is close in age to me. There have been a couple of these. My problem with these guys is that although they are close in age to me they fall into one of two categories:
1. They really want a younger partner - really young who will not be a threat to them and who will see them as a good provider/mealticket/fill in the blank.
2. They say they want someone close to their age, but their "real" age is much older aka. boring! My 85 year old father is more interesting than some of these guys!
Set up with the much younger guy. This is a particular favorite of some of my friends who are themselves quite a lot younger than me. Some of the guys have been more than 20 years younger than me, and when I ask my friends why they would consider this to be a good match, they glibly say "Age doesn't matter", or "You don't look your age." Well, age might not matter when you are young, but when the guy thinks "Out of Africa" is a movie classic or only ever communicates via text messaging, then age does matter.
So, what is the real issue? Do my friends like me being single or am I just really hard to please? Are there no suitable men out there, or are they just not suitable for me?
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