Yesterday was Father’s Day. I am extremely fortunate to still have both my parents and even though we live on different continents we are very much part of each other’s lives. My father is now in his mid-eighties and in poor health. His mind is sound but his body is frail. And when I see him there is always a part of me that gasps in shock at his diminished physical form. Once a giant of a man in my eyes, my protector, my provider, my champion, my moral compass, my rock, he is now bowed in pain and fragility.
I am one of those lucky girls, or women, who have or have had the privilege of having a great relationship with their father. I am a self proclaimed, proud, Daddy’s girl. For the longest time I didn’t realize the importance and rarity of this relationship. I thought this was the norm. It was only when I was much older that I started to realize a good father-daughter relationship is not every girl’s experience. And it took me even longer to realize how important and valuable this is.
My father is the first man I loved and the first man to love me. Little did I know how this love would shape my life. I grew up knowing each day I was loved and cherished. This love provided me with an enormous safety net in which I could live my life. It gave me a kind of freedom to be myself but also to explore. I could try things and whether I succeeded or failed I would always have a soft landing. I knew I could trust my father implicitly. I found out very quickly my father is a man of his word. He always does what he said he will, be it reward or punishment. As a child I found it reassuring to know my boundaries and the consequences if boundaries were breached. I knew and know where I stand with my father. His high standards were often challenging but I knew he never expected more from me than what he knew I was capable of. He believed in me, even through my rebellious teenage years and he still believes in me.
My father is an extraordinarily kind and thoughtful man. When he was still mobile, and I would go home to visit, he would always hide a stash of my favorite treats in my closet. Every few days the supply would magically be replenished. He has always done things like this – things that make you realize he is thinking about YOU! Now that he is no longer able to get around, he has passed this task onto my mother. I still have my stash of treats waiting for me when I visit.
There are so many stories I could tell of my father’s goodness, his principled life, his strength, and his sense of humor, but the purpose of this is not to give a list of his accomplishments but rather to show how his love has shaped my life.
It is my firm belief that you learn from all the people you encounter in your life. If your first life lesson from a man is positive, I think it guides you to look for more positive role models as you move through life. This first male role model sets the standard – be it positive or negative. It helps you determine what acceptable or appropriate behavior is from others. And it gives you the strength to navigate through the times when you have no option but to deal with negative behavior.
For me this has meant that the love and life example of my father has led to seek out and recognize other strong and positive men. I know what a good man looks like. I know how a good man treats his family. I know this because my father is a good man who has always loved me. He has loved me even when I cut my bangs off at the scalp, he loved me when I was a know-it-all teenager, and he loves me today.
I feel that love across the miles. It comforts me today, as it did when I was four and had a scraped knee, and when I was forty-two and my marriage ended. I think my father’s love has made me braver and stronger, and it inspires me to be kinder and more compassionate. It gives me the courage to challenge myself to do better and to do “good”. I think it made me a better wife, and it makes me a better friend. His love has made it easier for me to find other good men, who have also influenced my life. It makes me willing to hold out to find a good man and the courage to know that if I don’t find a good man, he has equipped me with all the skills I need to live a good life as a good woman.
The love of a father is a powerful thing and I am humbled and eternally grateful to have this love from my good father.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Growing old with someone
As I mentioned in my previous post, I received dating advice from several sources while on my most recent business trip.
Here is some more advice received from a pleasantly unexpected source. I met a gentleman from the same country I grew up in. It was a chance meeting as he was at the same conference I was. It is always fun to meet someone from "home" and talk with the same accent and the same terms of reference, so I made the most of it. As we talked, he asked the usual questions about where I grew up, is my family still there, and how did I end up here? My response to this question, then launched us down the path of my current relationship status.
He was most interested to find out if my ex was also from the same country. When I confirmed this, he found himself apologizing on behalf of all men in my homeland and adding men do stupid things.
I responded nonchalantly "things happen and usually for a good reason". He surprised me when he said, "Are you sure about that? We all say that, but is that really true?"
I was a little taken aback only because, let's face it, haven't we all silently asked the same question? It is something we always say, and do we say it because we really believe it, or do we say it because it gives us some kind of hope something better might be waiting for us?
He went on to tell me his rather interesting relationship story. He and his wife were married for 7 or 8 years and then divorced for about the same amount of time and then remarried. They have been married for 7 or so years this time around and have a "honeymoon baby" aged 6. "So, don't give up hope," he said. I really hoped he didn't mean I might get back together with my ex!
Then the advice began. "You really should try to find someone. Its much better to have someone to grow old with," he warned. "Are you parents still alive?" he asked. I responded they are. "Here, you see how nice it is for them to have each other as they get old!"
In my parents case he could not be more accurate. My mother is my father's primary and most amazing caregiver. My father is so dependant on my mother, and it pains him that he is no longer the strong man he used to be. His physical frailties make him a demanding charge, and he hates it but that is his reality. He tells me he knows if it weren't for my mother he would not be alive. But its more than gratitude he feels. And when I watch my mother in this role of caregiver for her once strong husband, I realize I am witnessing pure love.
So, whether my fellow countryman's advice is appropriate for me, his point is well taken - having someone to grow old with could be one of life's greatest blessings.
Here is some more advice received from a pleasantly unexpected source. I met a gentleman from the same country I grew up in. It was a chance meeting as he was at the same conference I was. It is always fun to meet someone from "home" and talk with the same accent and the same terms of reference, so I made the most of it. As we talked, he asked the usual questions about where I grew up, is my family still there, and how did I end up here? My response to this question, then launched us down the path of my current relationship status.
He was most interested to find out if my ex was also from the same country. When I confirmed this, he found himself apologizing on behalf of all men in my homeland and adding men do stupid things.
I responded nonchalantly "things happen and usually for a good reason". He surprised me when he said, "Are you sure about that? We all say that, but is that really true?"
I was a little taken aback only because, let's face it, haven't we all silently asked the same question? It is something we always say, and do we say it because we really believe it, or do we say it because it gives us some kind of hope something better might be waiting for us?
He went on to tell me his rather interesting relationship story. He and his wife were married for 7 or 8 years and then divorced for about the same amount of time and then remarried. They have been married for 7 or so years this time around and have a "honeymoon baby" aged 6. "So, don't give up hope," he said. I really hoped he didn't mean I might get back together with my ex!
Then the advice began. "You really should try to find someone. Its much better to have someone to grow old with," he warned. "Are you parents still alive?" he asked. I responded they are. "Here, you see how nice it is for them to have each other as they get old!"
In my parents case he could not be more accurate. My mother is my father's primary and most amazing caregiver. My father is so dependant on my mother, and it pains him that he is no longer the strong man he used to be. His physical frailties make him a demanding charge, and he hates it but that is his reality. He tells me he knows if it weren't for my mother he would not be alive. But its more than gratitude he feels. And when I watch my mother in this role of caregiver for her once strong husband, I realize I am witnessing pure love.
So, whether my fellow countryman's advice is appropriate for me, his point is well taken - having someone to grow old with could be one of life's greatest blessings.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Dating advice from my cab driver
I spent the last few days at a conference in Chicago. It was, as usual mostly work and not a lot of play. Four days in a strange city and mostly on my own, I did a lot of people watching and in lots of interesting places and as usual I got some dating advice - again from some unusual sources.
My first advisor was the cab driver, who took me from the airport to my hotel. Before the journey even began, this guy was in a bad mood. He was having some verbal altercation with the guy at the airport who calls the next taxi in line. So, when I got in the cab, he was fuming. For some reason I have yet to understand I thought if I said something nice and cheerful it might help. I said, "It's a lovely sunny day today!" He responded it was too hot. I decided to abandon any further attempts to cheer him up, and quietly looked out the window. After a few minutes of silence he asked where I was from. Now because I have an accent, when people ask me this question I never know whether they are asking where I live or where I am from. Generally I answer by telling them where I live, and I did so in this case.
He quickly told me what he wanted to know was where I was from originally. I told him and as I suspected from his accent, we are both from Africa but from different countries. The questions continued: Am I married? No. Do you have children? No. Do you have a boyfriend? No. Why not? I haven't met the right person. How long have you been divorced? Seven years. And you haven't found the right person? No. Why? I don't know.
Then he said something interesting. He said, "You need to go home to find a man." Something in what he said made me wonder, could he be on to something?
I had been married to someone from my home country. Sure we had shared the same values, but it was more than that. We had a shared history of our culture and country. You might say we spoke the same "language". And there was a great deal of comfort in that.
As I have dated other men of other cultures, I have to admit that even when I felt really close to them, there were always times when I felt like a foreigner. This doesn't only apply to dating. After living here for 20 years, there are some days when I feel so foreign. After all this time I still sometimes have to explain myself to friends and colleagues.
So, could my cab driver from Ghana have a valid point? I remember meeting a guy a few years ago, and he told me that even though he was not that religious and had (in one of his marriages) been married to a Christian woman, now that he was getting older, he really wanted to find a woman from his own religion, really from his own culture. I remember at the time only sort of understanding what he was saying. But as the years have rolled by I have often thought back to that conversation, because I really do think I am beginning to understand what he means.
Is it normal as we get older to want to return to what is familiar, to a place where we can be who we are and with people who share the same language (be that spoken language, culture or customs)?
In case you are convinced my cab driver is some sort of philosopher, or relationship guru, I should add that after all these questions and suggestions, he did suggest he might move to the city where I live, and I could date him! Makes you think, doesn't it?
My first advisor was the cab driver, who took me from the airport to my hotel. Before the journey even began, this guy was in a bad mood. He was having some verbal altercation with the guy at the airport who calls the next taxi in line. So, when I got in the cab, he was fuming. For some reason I have yet to understand I thought if I said something nice and cheerful it might help. I said, "It's a lovely sunny day today!" He responded it was too hot. I decided to abandon any further attempts to cheer him up, and quietly looked out the window. After a few minutes of silence he asked where I was from. Now because I have an accent, when people ask me this question I never know whether they are asking where I live or where I am from. Generally I answer by telling them where I live, and I did so in this case.
He quickly told me what he wanted to know was where I was from originally. I told him and as I suspected from his accent, we are both from Africa but from different countries. The questions continued: Am I married? No. Do you have children? No. Do you have a boyfriend? No. Why not? I haven't met the right person. How long have you been divorced? Seven years. And you haven't found the right person? No. Why? I don't know.
Then he said something interesting. He said, "You need to go home to find a man." Something in what he said made me wonder, could he be on to something?
I had been married to someone from my home country. Sure we had shared the same values, but it was more than that. We had a shared history of our culture and country. You might say we spoke the same "language". And there was a great deal of comfort in that.
As I have dated other men of other cultures, I have to admit that even when I felt really close to them, there were always times when I felt like a foreigner. This doesn't only apply to dating. After living here for 20 years, there are some days when I feel so foreign. After all this time I still sometimes have to explain myself to friends and colleagues.
So, could my cab driver from Ghana have a valid point? I remember meeting a guy a few years ago, and he told me that even though he was not that religious and had (in one of his marriages) been married to a Christian woman, now that he was getting older, he really wanted to find a woman from his own religion, really from his own culture. I remember at the time only sort of understanding what he was saying. But as the years have rolled by I have often thought back to that conversation, because I really do think I am beginning to understand what he means.
Is it normal as we get older to want to return to what is familiar, to a place where we can be who we are and with people who share the same language (be that spoken language, culture or customs)?
In case you are convinced my cab driver is some sort of philosopher, or relationship guru, I should add that after all these questions and suggestions, he did suggest he might move to the city where I live, and I could date him! Makes you think, doesn't it?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Painting myself out of a corner
It's back to work after a long holiday weekend, although I seemed to "work" all weekend. Actually I accomplised a lot. The weather was glorious - okay it was really hot and humid, but after the miserable winter we had, I promised not to complain when it got hot. So, let's see how that promise holds up.
I cut the grass, trimmed the edges, trimmed tree and shrubs, took the trimmer into the woods and tried to reclaim some ground. I power washed the deck and screened porch, weeded the circle in my neighborhood, watered my vacationing neighbors plants, and then stained the porch and deck.
Along with entertaining some friends, general cleaning and laundry, a chick flick with my girl friends, that was the weekend in summary. Busy, productive, exhausting and strangely exhilarating.
As I was painstakingly painting the floor of the screened porch, I realized something. I was painting over the white porch floor that has been the bane of my life for 12 years. I was turning it into a glorious rich maghony color. As I painted, it dawned on me I was painting over a color that I had not chosen, but had to live with and deal with. Do you know how hard it is to keep a white floor on a screened porch clean?
As the chocolately color rolled onto each board, I had to acknowledge I was doing more than painting the porch floor, I was reclaiming it as my own. And I was doing it! I was taking back the porch and in doing so taking back another part of my life.
At some point in the weekend, I saw an interview with the author of a new book, called "Run like a Girl". In the book she talks about how women have used sports to empower themselves. As I painted, cut, trimmed,and more this weekend, I realized that every one of these actions was empowering me.
As I lay in bed last night, I looked back on the weekend, and felt good. I had checked off a lot of "things" on the to-do list, and I had accomplished a lot.
I cut the grass, trimmed the edges, trimmed tree and shrubs, took the trimmer into the woods and tried to reclaim some ground. I power washed the deck and screened porch, weeded the circle in my neighborhood, watered my vacationing neighbors plants, and then stained the porch and deck.
Along with entertaining some friends, general cleaning and laundry, a chick flick with my girl friends, that was the weekend in summary. Busy, productive, exhausting and strangely exhilarating.
As I was painstakingly painting the floor of the screened porch, I realized something. I was painting over the white porch floor that has been the bane of my life for 12 years. I was turning it into a glorious rich maghony color. As I painted, it dawned on me I was painting over a color that I had not chosen, but had to live with and deal with. Do you know how hard it is to keep a white floor on a screened porch clean?
As the chocolately color rolled onto each board, I had to acknowledge I was doing more than painting the porch floor, I was reclaiming it as my own. And I was doing it! I was taking back the porch and in doing so taking back another part of my life.
At some point in the weekend, I saw an interview with the author of a new book, called "Run like a Girl". In the book she talks about how women have used sports to empower themselves. As I painted, cut, trimmed,and more this weekend, I realized that every one of these actions was empowering me.
As I lay in bed last night, I looked back on the weekend, and felt good. I had checked off a lot of "things" on the to-do list, and I had accomplished a lot.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
What is the cost of being a "nice" girl?
Early this week I had an experience that was unpleasant and unsettling. And it has forced me to look at myself and ask some hard questions.
This incident relates to my professional life but the more I thought about it the more I realized the vulnerabilities in my work persona and also vulnerabilities in my personal life. There really is no difference between the two. But let me explain.
This weekend something went horribly wrong in my professional life (the details are not important). This was not something I could have prevented or avoided, it was outside of my control. I assessed the situation and made what I thought was the correct interim decision. All but two people agreed with my decision - a husband and wife duo. And the husband launched an attack on me that was completely irrational, brutal and very definitely unprofessional. I responded to him in a professional manner, trying to explain how the situation had occurred and why I had made my decision.
He was at that point of irrationality that no matter what I said he wasn't listening. So, I thought I would diffuse the situation by apologizing (actually I am not sure what I was apologizing for but I thought it might help). He refused to accept my apology saying he wanted me to acknowledge I was wrong and had made a mistake. I was not willing to do that! All of this was being witnessed (electronically) by others including my "real" boss.
My boss called me to tell me how inappropriate the other guy's behavior was and he was acting like a bully. He told me to brush it off, and not pay any attention to it. I reminded him this was easier said than done. This after all is my livelihood and this man wields a great deal of power. As a single person, I have one income - mine! And if something happens to my job I have no safety net. I have no family who can help support me.
My boss agreed I should definitely not provide the acknowledgment this person wanted but he said, "Let it go, it will all blow over in a few days!" And he is probably correct. It will blow over - at least until the next time. This is not the first time this man has lashed out at me for no rational reason.
I can understand my boss wants to avoid confronting this person, but if I say nothing what does that say about me? I know he would never say the things he said to me, to anyone else involved in this organization, so am I becoming his personal whipping boy?
Is my boss right when he says if I ignore the rancor I empower myself? Or does my silence give this person the message it is okay to treat me like this?
And this is what makes me ask questions about myself. I am generally what you would call a "nice girl". I truly believe in, and make a conscious choice to be nice - polite, respectful, kind... Does this "niceness" make some people think its okay to treat me badly? Does it open me to abusive behavior?
Do I do this in other areas of my life? I think of myself as a strong person, in fact I know I am a strong person, but do I put up with bad behavior in an attempt to be "nice"?
Food for thought!
This incident relates to my professional life but the more I thought about it the more I realized the vulnerabilities in my work persona and also vulnerabilities in my personal life. There really is no difference between the two. But let me explain.
This weekend something went horribly wrong in my professional life (the details are not important). This was not something I could have prevented or avoided, it was outside of my control. I assessed the situation and made what I thought was the correct interim decision. All but two people agreed with my decision - a husband and wife duo. And the husband launched an attack on me that was completely irrational, brutal and very definitely unprofessional. I responded to him in a professional manner, trying to explain how the situation had occurred and why I had made my decision.
He was at that point of irrationality that no matter what I said he wasn't listening. So, I thought I would diffuse the situation by apologizing (actually I am not sure what I was apologizing for but I thought it might help). He refused to accept my apology saying he wanted me to acknowledge I was wrong and had made a mistake. I was not willing to do that! All of this was being witnessed (electronically) by others including my "real" boss.
My boss called me to tell me how inappropriate the other guy's behavior was and he was acting like a bully. He told me to brush it off, and not pay any attention to it. I reminded him this was easier said than done. This after all is my livelihood and this man wields a great deal of power. As a single person, I have one income - mine! And if something happens to my job I have no safety net. I have no family who can help support me.
My boss agreed I should definitely not provide the acknowledgment this person wanted but he said, "Let it go, it will all blow over in a few days!" And he is probably correct. It will blow over - at least until the next time. This is not the first time this man has lashed out at me for no rational reason.
I can understand my boss wants to avoid confronting this person, but if I say nothing what does that say about me? I know he would never say the things he said to me, to anyone else involved in this organization, so am I becoming his personal whipping boy?
Is my boss right when he says if I ignore the rancor I empower myself? Or does my silence give this person the message it is okay to treat me like this?
And this is what makes me ask questions about myself. I am generally what you would call a "nice girl". I truly believe in, and make a conscious choice to be nice - polite, respectful, kind... Does this "niceness" make some people think its okay to treat me badly? Does it open me to abusive behavior?
Do I do this in other areas of my life? I think of myself as a strong person, in fact I know I am a strong person, but do I put up with bad behavior in an attempt to be "nice"?
Food for thought!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Post Royal Wedding Thoughts
I am willing to admit I am one of the many that set their alarms for 4am on Friday morning to watch the Royal Wedding. I have several reasons for this, first, I am an unashamed Angophile, second, I watched Charles and Diana's wedding thirty years ago and being able to watch their son's wedding seemed fitting, and third, at heart I am a romantic.
That being said, I am not a big believer of fairy tales. I have lived long enough to know your prince may come but like all the rest of us, a prince is a human being who is flawed. The same goes for the princess. We are all flawed. So, it wasn't seeing a "commoner" marrying her prince and living happily ever after that appealed to me. It was much more.
Weddings, or really good weddings, or maybe I should say really "earnest" weddings with heartfelt emotions are to me, a symbol of the some of the best of what we as human beings are capable of. Think of it, despite all the negative things going on in the rest of the world, with sky rocketing divorce rates, two people stand up and say, "We think we can make it!"
There is something so courageous about that, and that is so appealing to me.
On a daily basis, we see betrayal,relationships falling apart, messy, horrible divorces, children tugged between parents and much more. It can make us doubt ourselves, our way of life and what we believe in. It certainly makes us doubt the whole fairy tale! And yet, every day, couples across the world defy the odds. Now some of the skeptics out there may say this is not courage but foolishness. Why would you embark on marriage when the success rate is falling? Why indeed?
Do we continue to pledge our love to another because we are foolish, or because we are courageous? Do we do this because we think "our" love will survive, or that we will be different? Or do we do this because we as human beings need to believe in the future, in hope and in love?
Maybe now more than ever we need the kind of love that makes us feel we can overcome everything placed in front of us. When we watch a couple look into each other's eyes and see only possibility, we want that too.
We want the feeling someone is willing to promise their all to us, but probably more importantly, we want, even for a few moments, to have someone believe in us, in our very best self, and see all the promise and possibilities we have! Our flawed imperfect selves for that moment become a prince or princess or if you prefer a super hero! Have you ever listen to someone talk about the love of their life and watched their face transform, their eyes sparkle. They see that person in ways that you don't see them.
So, when I watched that young couple on Friday, I saw a couple showing the world despite all that has happened in the world, in their own families, they were willing to take the chance on each other and on love.
Who knows how things will turn out for them, but I hope they defy the odds. I hope they have a long and happy life together. Because that will give us all hope and courage.
That being said, I am not a big believer of fairy tales. I have lived long enough to know your prince may come but like all the rest of us, a prince is a human being who is flawed. The same goes for the princess. We are all flawed. So, it wasn't seeing a "commoner" marrying her prince and living happily ever after that appealed to me. It was much more.
Weddings, or really good weddings, or maybe I should say really "earnest" weddings with heartfelt emotions are to me, a symbol of the some of the best of what we as human beings are capable of. Think of it, despite all the negative things going on in the rest of the world, with sky rocketing divorce rates, two people stand up and say, "We think we can make it!"
There is something so courageous about that, and that is so appealing to me.
On a daily basis, we see betrayal,relationships falling apart, messy, horrible divorces, children tugged between parents and much more. It can make us doubt ourselves, our way of life and what we believe in. It certainly makes us doubt the whole fairy tale! And yet, every day, couples across the world defy the odds. Now some of the skeptics out there may say this is not courage but foolishness. Why would you embark on marriage when the success rate is falling? Why indeed?
Do we continue to pledge our love to another because we are foolish, or because we are courageous? Do we do this because we think "our" love will survive, or that we will be different? Or do we do this because we as human beings need to believe in the future, in hope and in love?
Maybe now more than ever we need the kind of love that makes us feel we can overcome everything placed in front of us. When we watch a couple look into each other's eyes and see only possibility, we want that too.
We want the feeling someone is willing to promise their all to us, but probably more importantly, we want, even for a few moments, to have someone believe in us, in our very best self, and see all the promise and possibilities we have! Our flawed imperfect selves for that moment become a prince or princess or if you prefer a super hero! Have you ever listen to someone talk about the love of their life and watched their face transform, their eyes sparkle. They see that person in ways that you don't see them.
So, when I watched that young couple on Friday, I saw a couple showing the world despite all that has happened in the world, in their own families, they were willing to take the chance on each other and on love.
Who knows how things will turn out for them, but I hope they defy the odds. I hope they have a long and happy life together. Because that will give us all hope and courage.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
The Art of Vulnerability
Earlier this week I had lunch with one of my very few single friends. We had not seen each other in a while so there was a lot to catch up on - work, family, mutual friends and of course dating. Or in our case, the lack of dating.
Now she is single, but she has not yet reached the "senior" stage of her life. She said she was almost ready to dive back into the on-line dating pool, but she was really cautious. She has also had some "interesting" things happen to her in her previous on-line dating attempts. I looked at her and wondered why she is still single. She is beautiful, athletic, intelligent, financially secure, great job, and just a lovely personality. Was this not enough, or are men looking for something else, something more or maybe something less?
We both "talk" for a living. What I mean is we both spend most of our time talking to people, building collaborative partnerships and generally trying to make people feel comfortable with us. So, I wondered if we were both doing this when we went on dates. I know when friends had asked me if I got nervous before a first date, I would say "No, not really, because I treat these first dates like I would a business meeting." I deal with any anxiety about meeting someone in much the same way as I would when meeting a new business associate. Go in with confidence, make them feel at ease, listen well but be prepared to carry the conversation if needed. Think on your feet, respond to cues...
I know this has caused problems for me, as it almost takes away that gut feeling you have about someone. As a result I have never been able to figure out if a date has been successful or not. I also know many dates have been turned off by my seemingly absent vulnerability. Was this what my friend was doing as well?
It's strange to me how we strive to be strong and independant, and work on overcoming our vulnerabilities. And yet, perhaps it is our vulnerabilities that make us appealing to others at an emotional level. Perhaps we are programmed to respond to vulnerability. The cry of a baby, the whine of a dog, the anguish of a friend - we all respond to these signs of fragility.
But as we grow isn't it good that we try to be strong? Does being strong mean we aren't vulnerable? The way I look at it, being strong means you know about being vulnerable, you know about weakness and human fragility. Lurking under the surface of calm composure is a vulnerable, fragile person.
I wondered if my friend and I have become so accomplished at the art of conversation that we have lost the art of vulnerability.
Now she is single, but she has not yet reached the "senior" stage of her life. She said she was almost ready to dive back into the on-line dating pool, but she was really cautious. She has also had some "interesting" things happen to her in her previous on-line dating attempts. I looked at her and wondered why she is still single. She is beautiful, athletic, intelligent, financially secure, great job, and just a lovely personality. Was this not enough, or are men looking for something else, something more or maybe something less?
We both "talk" for a living. What I mean is we both spend most of our time talking to people, building collaborative partnerships and generally trying to make people feel comfortable with us. So, I wondered if we were both doing this when we went on dates. I know when friends had asked me if I got nervous before a first date, I would say "No, not really, because I treat these first dates like I would a business meeting." I deal with any anxiety about meeting someone in much the same way as I would when meeting a new business associate. Go in with confidence, make them feel at ease, listen well but be prepared to carry the conversation if needed. Think on your feet, respond to cues...
I know this has caused problems for me, as it almost takes away that gut feeling you have about someone. As a result I have never been able to figure out if a date has been successful or not. I also know many dates have been turned off by my seemingly absent vulnerability. Was this what my friend was doing as well?
It's strange to me how we strive to be strong and independant, and work on overcoming our vulnerabilities. And yet, perhaps it is our vulnerabilities that make us appealing to others at an emotional level. Perhaps we are programmed to respond to vulnerability. The cry of a baby, the whine of a dog, the anguish of a friend - we all respond to these signs of fragility.
But as we grow isn't it good that we try to be strong? Does being strong mean we aren't vulnerable? The way I look at it, being strong means you know about being vulnerable, you know about weakness and human fragility. Lurking under the surface of calm composure is a vulnerable, fragile person.
I wondered if my friend and I have become so accomplished at the art of conversation that we have lost the art of vulnerability.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Internet perils
The past few days the media has been covering a story about a woman in California who has filed a civil suit against Match.com because she felt they should have done more to protect her. She alleges a man she met on Match.com sexually assaulted her and he has been convicted on similar albeit misdemeanor crimes.
She wants Match.com to screen all members against the sexual predator registry. It looks like Match.com is going to do this. I listened to this story and read lots of the comments going back on forth on various websites. People have strong opinions on this. They range from thinking it's ridiculous to think Match.com had any liability in this, to thinking she's right and supporting her.
I have some thoughts on this. First of all, I am really sorry this woman or any person should have to endure a sexual assault. I know the guy is saying its consentual but in my opinion (and I acknowledge its only my opinion) I do think she was assaulted. He has a history of this and generally speaking history is the best predictor of future behavior. The fact that the previous charges were "only" misdemeanours" really just shows how loopy our justice system is.
That being said, I think Match.com has little or no liability in this. Anyone joining signs a waiver of liability. Match.com's offer to screen members against the register sex offenders list doesn't hold much water. I would assume if you were trolling the profiles of Match.com and you are a registered sex offender, you probably wouldn't use your real name. Well, unless you were as stupid as you are deviant! Also, in this particular case this guy would not have shown up on the federal registry as his previous run-ins were misdemeanors.
So, if Match.com implements this new policy, will its members be more protected, or falsely secure?
Lets face a few facts: most sex offenders know their way around, so they will find ways to get around this. If people lie about their age, their height, their weight, their marital status, I think they will find a way to lie their way around this.
Let's not forget many sexual predators are never arrested, charged or convicted. Sexual assaults remain under reported and under prosecuted. These people are arch manipulators and many can be charming. But this also means they would not show up in any screening process. If we are relying on Match.com and other similar sites to screen out the "bad guys and gals" are we deluding ourselves?
While I think these sites should do everything they can to protect their members, I think we need to go into these encounters with our eyes wide open. We need to accept not everyone is playing fair and we need to be skeptical.
For many of us who lasted dated in the previous century, we have to accept things have changed - dating has changed. We can blame it on whatever we want to blame it on, we can complain its not fair, but it is our reality.
I remember when I dated the first time (last century). It was customary for the guy to pick you up at your parents home or at your apartment. That was the norm and any guy who expected you to meet him somewhere was just not a gentleman. Today the reality is different. We can't have someone we barely know come to our house we were we probably live alone. Now we meet the man of the moment in a public place. At least one friend needs to know where you are going on the date and you will text that friend later to say you are home safely. If you have our date's name, you will probably google them, and you should expect they will do the same with you.
We can hate this, but its our reality. We live in a time when you can find information about someone that can protect you, but you have to be aware they can find information about you that can hurt you.
She wants Match.com to screen all members against the sexual predator registry. It looks like Match.com is going to do this. I listened to this story and read lots of the comments going back on forth on various websites. People have strong opinions on this. They range from thinking it's ridiculous to think Match.com had any liability in this, to thinking she's right and supporting her.
I have some thoughts on this. First of all, I am really sorry this woman or any person should have to endure a sexual assault. I know the guy is saying its consentual but in my opinion (and I acknowledge its only my opinion) I do think she was assaulted. He has a history of this and generally speaking history is the best predictor of future behavior. The fact that the previous charges were "only" misdemeanours" really just shows how loopy our justice system is.
That being said, I think Match.com has little or no liability in this. Anyone joining signs a waiver of liability. Match.com's offer to screen members against the register sex offenders list doesn't hold much water. I would assume if you were trolling the profiles of Match.com and you are a registered sex offender, you probably wouldn't use your real name. Well, unless you were as stupid as you are deviant! Also, in this particular case this guy would not have shown up on the federal registry as his previous run-ins were misdemeanors.
So, if Match.com implements this new policy, will its members be more protected, or falsely secure?
Lets face a few facts: most sex offenders know their way around, so they will find ways to get around this. If people lie about their age, their height, their weight, their marital status, I think they will find a way to lie their way around this.
Let's not forget many sexual predators are never arrested, charged or convicted. Sexual assaults remain under reported and under prosecuted. These people are arch manipulators and many can be charming. But this also means they would not show up in any screening process. If we are relying on Match.com and other similar sites to screen out the "bad guys and gals" are we deluding ourselves?
While I think these sites should do everything they can to protect their members, I think we need to go into these encounters with our eyes wide open. We need to accept not everyone is playing fair and we need to be skeptical.
For many of us who lasted dated in the previous century, we have to accept things have changed - dating has changed. We can blame it on whatever we want to blame it on, we can complain its not fair, but it is our reality.
I remember when I dated the first time (last century). It was customary for the guy to pick you up at your parents home or at your apartment. That was the norm and any guy who expected you to meet him somewhere was just not a gentleman. Today the reality is different. We can't have someone we barely know come to our house we were we probably live alone. Now we meet the man of the moment in a public place. At least one friend needs to know where you are going on the date and you will text that friend later to say you are home safely. If you have our date's name, you will probably google them, and you should expect they will do the same with you.
We can hate this, but its our reality. We live in a time when you can find information about someone that can protect you, but you have to be aware they can find information about you that can hurt you.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Be careful what you wish for!
In my last post I wrote about one of my experiences with eHarmony, so in an effort to be inclusive, this post will be about some of my experiences on the on-line dating service that claims to have led to more marriages than any other on-line dating service - Match.com!
Unlike eHarmony, Match.com allows its members to going on a "fishing expedition". You select your search criteria and then everyone that falls within those criteria pops up for you to look at. Strangely enough there are always some people who don't match the selection criteria that also pop up. Its almost as though the computer is testing to see if you are paying attention, or maybe the computer is suggesting it may have better judgement than you!
Now remember while you are "fishing" so are other Match.com members. So while you may be carefully selecting criteria, you have no real control over who is looking at your profile, which can result in some interesting situations.
My friends all know when asked what kind of man I am looking for, I often answer jokingly, a very old, very ill, very rich man! And honestly, I really am joking. But as they say, be careful what you wish for.
I received an email from Match.com informing me I had mail from another member. I quickly logged in and opened the email. It was from an 85 year old man. It was a lovely email, saying he knew he was outside of my stated age range but my profile had caught his eye and he thought we had a lot in common. He went on to say he was young for his age, but right now was not as active as he liked because he had just had hip replacement surgery! I hate to admit it, but I laughed for days about this. Not at him but at the situation and the universe.
So, there I had it, a very old, somewhat ill man, no idea about the very rich part, but two out of three of the things I said I was looking for. As my mother used to remind my brother and me - don't joke about serious things! Clearly the universe has a sense of humor.
I have to say,as I read this gentleman's profile, he did have one of the more interesting profiles I have read on Match.com, but I really couldn't see myself with someone my father's age. So, I wrote a very polite email saying thanks but no thanks, and seriously considered terminating my Match.com membership. But it would take much more to do that!
Unlike eHarmony, Match.com allows its members to going on a "fishing expedition". You select your search criteria and then everyone that falls within those criteria pops up for you to look at. Strangely enough there are always some people who don't match the selection criteria that also pop up. Its almost as though the computer is testing to see if you are paying attention, or maybe the computer is suggesting it may have better judgement than you!
Now remember while you are "fishing" so are other Match.com members. So while you may be carefully selecting criteria, you have no real control over who is looking at your profile, which can result in some interesting situations.
My friends all know when asked what kind of man I am looking for, I often answer jokingly, a very old, very ill, very rich man! And honestly, I really am joking. But as they say, be careful what you wish for.
I received an email from Match.com informing me I had mail from another member. I quickly logged in and opened the email. It was from an 85 year old man. It was a lovely email, saying he knew he was outside of my stated age range but my profile had caught his eye and he thought we had a lot in common. He went on to say he was young for his age, but right now was not as active as he liked because he had just had hip replacement surgery! I hate to admit it, but I laughed for days about this. Not at him but at the situation and the universe.
So, there I had it, a very old, somewhat ill man, no idea about the very rich part, but two out of three of the things I said I was looking for. As my mother used to remind my brother and me - don't joke about serious things! Clearly the universe has a sense of humor.
I have to say,as I read this gentleman's profile, he did have one of the more interesting profiles I have read on Match.com, but I really couldn't see myself with someone my father's age. So, I wrote a very polite email saying thanks but no thanks, and seriously considered terminating my Match.com membership. But it would take much more to do that!
Monday, April 11, 2011
On-line dating/lying
Almost everyone who asks about my marital status, also asks me why I don't try on-line dating services, because, they go onto to tell me, their cousin (or some one they know) met their fiancee/husband/whatever on Match.com or eHarmony or one of the many on-line options out there.
Well, of course I have tried on-line dating, and so have many of my friends, and we have stories to tell, just not success stories! I have to say that my on-line experiences have been worth the comedic value if nothing else. But then it usually requires a little time and distance to appreciate the humor in some of these situations.
I have several stories about on-line dating, so I am only going to tell one of them today. Let's start with eHarmony. This on-line dating service is generally the most highly regarded because it apparently selects potential partners on 27 (or is it 37) points of compatibility.
Unlike most of the other sites, you can't browse through the lists of singles. You have to go through their lengthy process and then their software sends you potential suitors.
But long before you get to this point, you have to complete a long, long questionaire and personality profile, provide photos, etc. I was actually surprised they didn't ask for a blood panel and a DNA swab!
Then when that is done you receive a personality profile that is supposed to help you better understand yourself and what kind of person would best match you. Then the matching begins.
You wait, and wait and then you get an email message saying that there's a match. You can click on that person's profile and get some information. But then you begin the next round. You send questions to them, then if you are really lucky they answer them and ask you some questions. This goes on for a few more rounds before you get to the ultimate - OPEN COMMUNICATIONS. This allows you to email back and forth and then decide what next steps you would like to take. So, that sounds quite good. It protects your privacy to some extent and you can take your time to get to know someone a little better, right?
Well, maybe! Most of the "matches" you receive never respond - no "I am not interested", or "I have met someone", just no response! So when you do get a response its pretty exciting, even though the process is long and exhausting. Because you have been matched with this other person on all these levels of compatibility, it makes you feel at least a little optimistic. I mean this computer has to be smarter than you or your well meaning friends and relatives, right?
Well, maybe not. And here is my story. I was matched with this guy, who seemed to have an interesting profile, didn't live with his mother, you know, he seemed normal. Among the many things covered in his profile he said his height was 5'7". I am 5'4" and I am not overly concerned about height, so this was a non issue for me. My ex is 6'4" so I thought maybe someone closer in height to me would be good. After jumping through all of eHarmony's hoops, we finally got to the point where we had a phone conversation. He seemed again, "normal" and we decided to meet for coffee one Saturday morning.
It was summer, so I wore a cute summer dress and some sandals with a mid height heel (maybe 2 inches at the most). So, that would make me 5'6", so imagine my surprise when I saw my "match" and he was definitely shorter than me, WITHOUT my heels! Yikes! Why would he lie about that? Why would he lie about anything really? But something like height? Did he think I wouldn't notice? We made polite conversation, but I was relieved when the date was over. Starting with such an obvious lie meant this was going no where.
At the time of this story I had 3 friends who were all using eHarmony. We are all around about the same age, live in the same city, but that is where the similarity ends. From a personality perspective, we could not be more different. We were together for a drink and started talking about our dating woes. I started to relate this story when one of the girls stopped me. "Is his name Frank?" she asked. "Yes", I said and she burst out laughing. She had been matched with him too! And as we talked more, we discovered that we had all been matched with him. One friend had never received a reply from him, and the other had indicated she was not interested. She said she was puzzled that she had even been matched with him as she had given specific criteria relating to height. She stands 5'11" in her bare feet so she had indicated that she didn't want to be matched with anyone less than 5'10".
The friend who had gone on the date is a petite 5'2" and she had worn flats on her date and she was still taller than him. While we all laughed at his audacity to lie about something that would be immediately obvious, we wondered about a lot of other things.
Is that computer really that smart. On what levels of compatibility had we been matched. The four of us have such different taste in men (and most other things) so why would we have all been matched with the same guy? In fact, when you get to a certain age and you live in a smaller community that is very couple oriented, does the computer yell uncle and throw out all the search criteria? Is the sample size just too small? Does the computer in desperation, just say, "they are basically in the same age range, they live in the same geographic region, there is not much more that I can do - take it or leave it!"
Well, of course I have tried on-line dating, and so have many of my friends, and we have stories to tell, just not success stories! I have to say that my on-line experiences have been worth the comedic value if nothing else. But then it usually requires a little time and distance to appreciate the humor in some of these situations.
I have several stories about on-line dating, so I am only going to tell one of them today. Let's start with eHarmony. This on-line dating service is generally the most highly regarded because it apparently selects potential partners on 27 (or is it 37) points of compatibility.
Unlike most of the other sites, you can't browse through the lists of singles. You have to go through their lengthy process and then their software sends you potential suitors.
But long before you get to this point, you have to complete a long, long questionaire and personality profile, provide photos, etc. I was actually surprised they didn't ask for a blood panel and a DNA swab!
Then when that is done you receive a personality profile that is supposed to help you better understand yourself and what kind of person would best match you. Then the matching begins.
You wait, and wait and then you get an email message saying that there's a match. You can click on that person's profile and get some information. But then you begin the next round. You send questions to them, then if you are really lucky they answer them and ask you some questions. This goes on for a few more rounds before you get to the ultimate - OPEN COMMUNICATIONS. This allows you to email back and forth and then decide what next steps you would like to take. So, that sounds quite good. It protects your privacy to some extent and you can take your time to get to know someone a little better, right?
Well, maybe! Most of the "matches" you receive never respond - no "I am not interested", or "I have met someone", just no response! So when you do get a response its pretty exciting, even though the process is long and exhausting. Because you have been matched with this other person on all these levels of compatibility, it makes you feel at least a little optimistic. I mean this computer has to be smarter than you or your well meaning friends and relatives, right?
Well, maybe not. And here is my story. I was matched with this guy, who seemed to have an interesting profile, didn't live with his mother, you know, he seemed normal. Among the many things covered in his profile he said his height was 5'7". I am 5'4" and I am not overly concerned about height, so this was a non issue for me. My ex is 6'4" so I thought maybe someone closer in height to me would be good. After jumping through all of eHarmony's hoops, we finally got to the point where we had a phone conversation. He seemed again, "normal" and we decided to meet for coffee one Saturday morning.
It was summer, so I wore a cute summer dress and some sandals with a mid height heel (maybe 2 inches at the most). So, that would make me 5'6", so imagine my surprise when I saw my "match" and he was definitely shorter than me, WITHOUT my heels! Yikes! Why would he lie about that? Why would he lie about anything really? But something like height? Did he think I wouldn't notice? We made polite conversation, but I was relieved when the date was over. Starting with such an obvious lie meant this was going no where.
At the time of this story I had 3 friends who were all using eHarmony. We are all around about the same age, live in the same city, but that is where the similarity ends. From a personality perspective, we could not be more different. We were together for a drink and started talking about our dating woes. I started to relate this story when one of the girls stopped me. "Is his name Frank?" she asked. "Yes", I said and she burst out laughing. She had been matched with him too! And as we talked more, we discovered that we had all been matched with him. One friend had never received a reply from him, and the other had indicated she was not interested. She said she was puzzled that she had even been matched with him as she had given specific criteria relating to height. She stands 5'11" in her bare feet so she had indicated that she didn't want to be matched with anyone less than 5'10".
The friend who had gone on the date is a petite 5'2" and she had worn flats on her date and she was still taller than him. While we all laughed at his audacity to lie about something that would be immediately obvious, we wondered about a lot of other things.
Is that computer really that smart. On what levels of compatibility had we been matched. The four of us have such different taste in men (and most other things) so why would we have all been matched with the same guy? In fact, when you get to a certain age and you live in a smaller community that is very couple oriented, does the computer yell uncle and throw out all the search criteria? Is the sample size just too small? Does the computer in desperation, just say, "they are basically in the same age range, they live in the same geographic region, there is not much more that I can do - take it or leave it!"
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
A new matchmaker
Yesterday I went to see my doctor. We went through the whole medical routine and then came his usual question, "Who are you dating?"
"I am having a wonderful and fulfilling relationship with myself, thank you", I responded. He chuckled, he has heard this before from me. He then went on to explain that being in a relationship has longevity benefits. I wanted to ask just how much longer he thought I could live if I were in a relationship. I also wanted to ask what he thought I could do to keep occupied for these additional years and then exactly how was I going to fund these additional years.
But I didn't because in a previous visit he had been strongly encouraging me to add a bunch of supplements to my diet and I was being resistant (also sometimes classified as stubborn). He went onto ask me this, "Don't you want to live to be 120?" "No!" I responded, "I definitely don't want to!" What in the heck would I do. I have achieved most of the things on my "list" - so what in heavens name would I do with all that time. And quite frankly, unless he can guarantee that I would be in good health until the day before I keel over, I really wasn't interested in extending my life beyond the expected norm. He was shocked to say the least. For a few moments he couldn't say anything. Finally he said I was the first patient to ever say this to him. I think I might be the first patient to say this, but surely not the first to think it!
So, in light of this previous exchange I didn't say what I was thinking. Instead, I foolishly suggested that if he is this concerned about my single status maybe he should start a dating service. He looked thoughtful for a moment, but said nothing so I felt I had safely dodge the bullet.
When the appointment ended he walked with me to the reception area. Sitting there was the last patient of the day - a man! And an age appropriate man at that! The doc shot a glance in my direction. OMG! Really! He looked at the guy and looked at me, doing that kind of head movement that clearly cries out "What about him - what do you think about him?"
I tried to engage the receptionist in conversation to avoid eye contact with either the doctor or the patient. My fabulous doctor was beaming. Not only is he a doctor, but now he is playing at being a matchmaker!
Please God, this poor patient didn't pick up on all these signals. But I have to hand it to the doc, A+ for effort!
"I am having a wonderful and fulfilling relationship with myself, thank you", I responded. He chuckled, he has heard this before from me. He then went on to explain that being in a relationship has longevity benefits. I wanted to ask just how much longer he thought I could live if I were in a relationship. I also wanted to ask what he thought I could do to keep occupied for these additional years and then exactly how was I going to fund these additional years.
But I didn't because in a previous visit he had been strongly encouraging me to add a bunch of supplements to my diet and I was being resistant (also sometimes classified as stubborn). He went onto ask me this, "Don't you want to live to be 120?" "No!" I responded, "I definitely don't want to!" What in the heck would I do. I have achieved most of the things on my "list" - so what in heavens name would I do with all that time. And quite frankly, unless he can guarantee that I would be in good health until the day before I keel over, I really wasn't interested in extending my life beyond the expected norm. He was shocked to say the least. For a few moments he couldn't say anything. Finally he said I was the first patient to ever say this to him. I think I might be the first patient to say this, but surely not the first to think it!
So, in light of this previous exchange I didn't say what I was thinking. Instead, I foolishly suggested that if he is this concerned about my single status maybe he should start a dating service. He looked thoughtful for a moment, but said nothing so I felt I had safely dodge the bullet.
When the appointment ended he walked with me to the reception area. Sitting there was the last patient of the day - a man! And an age appropriate man at that! The doc shot a glance in my direction. OMG! Really! He looked at the guy and looked at me, doing that kind of head movement that clearly cries out "What about him - what do you think about him?"
I tried to engage the receptionist in conversation to avoid eye contact with either the doctor or the patient. My fabulous doctor was beaming. Not only is he a doctor, but now he is playing at being a matchmaker!
Please God, this poor patient didn't pick up on all these signals. But I have to hand it to the doc, A+ for effort!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Letting go of the past
Last night, or early this morning I had a strange and disturbing dream. It was one of those dreams where you want to wake up but you can't.
The dream was about my ex. This is not an unusual topic in my dream life. Unfortunately my ex spends way too much time in my dreams, and its never really good. It not like I dream about the "good old days" and there were many of them. The dreams always have us together again, never happy but together, and they leave me angry at myself that I can't stop him from trepassing in my dreams and more than a little disturbed.
But this dream was different. It was the same theme again but it felt different. We were back together but he was doing all sorts of things to isolate me. We moved to some remote place and we were far from everyone and everything familiar. He knew his way around and I didn't and he was doing everything in his power to keep it that way. He took my cell phone away and got me a new one that was part of his cell phone plan. He never let me speak to anyone alone. And he did all these things in a way that initially made me feel like he was taking care of me, like he was trying to make my life easier. But every action made me uneasy, I got that sick feeling, that intuitive feeling that things are not right. Even in my dream state, I realized that this is what abusers do. I could feel the panic growing, and I kept trying to wake myself up, but couldn't. In some ways I wanted to see how this would work out. The fact that my ex was not abusive made this scenario even more scary, because I felt I was in unchartered waters. Like most dreams I don't remember all the details, but I remember realizing that some way I had to make sure I had my own cell phone so I could call someone to help. I knew I had to try and remember the way back.
When I finally woke I felt sick. Why had I dreamt this, what did it mean? Did it mean that I am still being held captive by my past. And if that's the case, when will I ever be free?
As I walked the dog, the cold air helped to calm my thoughts. I tried to make peace within myself to quiet all these thoughts. It slowly dawned on me that the reality of my situation is that I am now in a more secure and empowered situation than my ex. When we first split up I had really worried about my future. He was a wealthy man who left me with little or no support and I had no idea how I was going to cope. But somehow I have and while I am far from being financially comfortable I am in a better financial situation than he is. I don't say this with any sense of one-upmanship. I didn't know until recently that he has not had a real job for almost 2 years, and is being supported by his significant other while he stays home with their children.
So, if the balance of power has shifted, then why the dream, and why the awful feeling of being isolated and so vulnerable. Maybe my subconscience hasn't caught up with reality yet. It seems letting go of the past is more difficult than dealing with reality.
The dream was about my ex. This is not an unusual topic in my dream life. Unfortunately my ex spends way too much time in my dreams, and its never really good. It not like I dream about the "good old days" and there were many of them. The dreams always have us together again, never happy but together, and they leave me angry at myself that I can't stop him from trepassing in my dreams and more than a little disturbed.
But this dream was different. It was the same theme again but it felt different. We were back together but he was doing all sorts of things to isolate me. We moved to some remote place and we were far from everyone and everything familiar. He knew his way around and I didn't and he was doing everything in his power to keep it that way. He took my cell phone away and got me a new one that was part of his cell phone plan. He never let me speak to anyone alone. And he did all these things in a way that initially made me feel like he was taking care of me, like he was trying to make my life easier. But every action made me uneasy, I got that sick feeling, that intuitive feeling that things are not right. Even in my dream state, I realized that this is what abusers do. I could feel the panic growing, and I kept trying to wake myself up, but couldn't. In some ways I wanted to see how this would work out. The fact that my ex was not abusive made this scenario even more scary, because I felt I was in unchartered waters. Like most dreams I don't remember all the details, but I remember realizing that some way I had to make sure I had my own cell phone so I could call someone to help. I knew I had to try and remember the way back.
When I finally woke I felt sick. Why had I dreamt this, what did it mean? Did it mean that I am still being held captive by my past. And if that's the case, when will I ever be free?
As I walked the dog, the cold air helped to calm my thoughts. I tried to make peace within myself to quiet all these thoughts. It slowly dawned on me that the reality of my situation is that I am now in a more secure and empowered situation than my ex. When we first split up I had really worried about my future. He was a wealthy man who left me with little or no support and I had no idea how I was going to cope. But somehow I have and while I am far from being financially comfortable I am in a better financial situation than he is. I don't say this with any sense of one-upmanship. I didn't know until recently that he has not had a real job for almost 2 years, and is being supported by his significant other while he stays home with their children.
So, if the balance of power has shifted, then why the dream, and why the awful feeling of being isolated and so vulnerable. Maybe my subconscience hasn't caught up with reality yet. It seems letting go of the past is more difficult than dealing with reality.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Single Set-ups
At my recent birthday party, as I predicted, the conversation turned toward my single status. Now strangely enough, my friends never set me up on dates. Perhaps I shouldn't say never, but I can count the number of times they have on one hand and that is in almost ten years.
So, while they "worry" about me being single, it seems they like to talk about it but don't feel compelled to take any action. Often when I meet people as I travel around, they all say to me with some conviction, "I bet your friends set you up all the time". "No," I reply, "not really." "Why?" they ask, and I never really have a good answer. I have asked my friends this question and here are some of the answers I get:
"You seem so together, it doesn't seem like you need help"
"I am too picky for you"
"I think you're too picky"
"I don't know any single guys"
"Well, I kinda like that you're always there for me and if you were in a relationship it wouldn't be like that anymore"
"I never think you need help with anything"
And the list goes on! As I look at this list and think back on these conversations, I really am puzzled. My friends obviously like/love me, they know I am not finding anyone on my own, they keep saying I should have someone, and I deserve to have someone wonderful in my life, so what's going on?
Now in fairness, I should tell you about the dates they have set up for me because maybe my response to these dates has colored their decision to not set me up anymore. And aside from that, I think it might help me to figure somethings out.
Set up with the age appropriate guy. - This is a guy who is close in age to me. There have been a couple of these. My problem with these guys is that although they are close in age to me they fall into one of two categories:
1. They really want a younger partner - really young who will not be a threat to them and who will see them as a good provider/mealticket/fill in the blank.
2. They say they want someone close to their age, but their "real" age is much older aka. boring! My 85 year old father is more interesting than some of these guys!
Set up with the much younger guy. This is a particular favorite of some of my friends who are themselves quite a lot younger than me. Some of the guys have been more than 20 years younger than me, and when I ask my friends why they would consider this to be a good match, they glibly say "Age doesn't matter", or "You don't look your age." Well, age might not matter when you are young, but when the guy thinks "Out of Africa" is a movie classic or only ever communicates via text messaging, then age does matter.
So, what is the real issue? Do my friends like me being single or am I just really hard to please? Are there no suitable men out there, or are they just not suitable for me?
So, while they "worry" about me being single, it seems they like to talk about it but don't feel compelled to take any action. Often when I meet people as I travel around, they all say to me with some conviction, "I bet your friends set you up all the time". "No," I reply, "not really." "Why?" they ask, and I never really have a good answer. I have asked my friends this question and here are some of the answers I get:
"You seem so together, it doesn't seem like you need help"
"I am too picky for you"
"I think you're too picky"
"I don't know any single guys"
"Well, I kinda like that you're always there for me and if you were in a relationship it wouldn't be like that anymore"
"I never think you need help with anything"
And the list goes on! As I look at this list and think back on these conversations, I really am puzzled. My friends obviously like/love me, they know I am not finding anyone on my own, they keep saying I should have someone, and I deserve to have someone wonderful in my life, so what's going on?
Now in fairness, I should tell you about the dates they have set up for me because maybe my response to these dates has colored their decision to not set me up anymore. And aside from that, I think it might help me to figure somethings out.
Set up with the age appropriate guy. - This is a guy who is close in age to me. There have been a couple of these. My problem with these guys is that although they are close in age to me they fall into one of two categories:
1. They really want a younger partner - really young who will not be a threat to them and who will see them as a good provider/mealticket/fill in the blank.
2. They say they want someone close to their age, but their "real" age is much older aka. boring! My 85 year old father is more interesting than some of these guys!
Set up with the much younger guy. This is a particular favorite of some of my friends who are themselves quite a lot younger than me. Some of the guys have been more than 20 years younger than me, and when I ask my friends why they would consider this to be a good match, they glibly say "Age doesn't matter", or "You don't look your age." Well, age might not matter when you are young, but when the guy thinks "Out of Africa" is a movie classic or only ever communicates via text messaging, then age does matter.
So, what is the real issue? Do my friends like me being single or am I just really hard to please? Are there no suitable men out there, or are they just not suitable for me?
Monday, March 28, 2011
OMG! It's my birthday!
Today I am 51 years old. It's interesting how as one gets older, one realizes that there is nothing magical about birthdays. I don't mean that in a mean spirited or bitter way. I mean when I was a kid, it felt like birthdays stood apart from other days. It seemed like you really did feel different on your birthday. It actually seemed that being seven felt different from being six.
But 51 doesn't feel different from 50. When I went to bed last night, I lay there thinking about this. I knew when I woke up in a few hours it would be my birthday and I thought about what that really means and what that really feels like. It would be a Monday morning and that would feel different from a Sunday morning. But would I feel different? Would I think of myself differently?
When I woke this morning, I felt that Monday morning feeling of wishing there was another day in the weekend. I had to remind myself that it was my birthday, because it really didn't feel any different from any other Monday morning. I lay there drifting between sleep and wakefulness, in and out of those odd morning dream sequences.
The cat was giving me her usual early morning stare, using her telepathic powers to get me up so she could get a drink of water from the faucet. The dog was still asleep, but he is not a morning creature so there was nothing different there. So, it was a rather ordinary Monday morning that just happened to be the day I celebrate my birthday.
As I contemplated this over my mug of coffee, I had to acknowledge that this was all okay. I remember my first birthday on my own. I had (although I would not have acknowledged this) dreaded waking up alone on my birthday with no-one to wish me Happy Birthday and sing silly birthday songs to me. I am not sure why this bothered me so much but I just wasn't sure I would be able to deal with this. And yet, I woke up, and the day started, and I made my way through that day with birthday wishes from family and friends and celebration, and as I ended that day, I realized I had survived without a significant other by my side. The sun had come up, moved across the sky and set. My birthday was in fact merely a day, on which I acknowledged my age to those around me.
Today has been marked with phone calls, text messages and Face Book posts. A surprise (or maybe shocking) phone call came from my ex mid morning. We have not talked in more than a year, so that was really odd. We live in different cities and we have no reason to be in contact, so this was quite strange. Then of course I have had some of the obligatory calls wishing me a happy birthday and then checking to see if I have found a man, followed with the cautionary tale of "life is short", "you need to get out there - its been long enough"...
It drives me crazy, and yes I get it! It drives me crazy because I know they are probably right. I know for sure that life is often too short. I know that I have now been on my own for a long time, and I know I need to get out more. But honestly, do they have to remind me of all of this today?
Later this evening I will join some friends for dinner. I will be the only single person in this room full of friends, and for the most part I will be fine with that. But at some point during the evening, I will look around and the reality of my situation will hit me, and for one moment I will feel the agony of solitude and be overwhelmed by sadness. But it will only be a moment. I will remind myself that today is Monday and tomorrow will be Tuesday, and my birthday doesn't change that or much else.
But 51 doesn't feel different from 50. When I went to bed last night, I lay there thinking about this. I knew when I woke up in a few hours it would be my birthday and I thought about what that really means and what that really feels like. It would be a Monday morning and that would feel different from a Sunday morning. But would I feel different? Would I think of myself differently?
When I woke this morning, I felt that Monday morning feeling of wishing there was another day in the weekend. I had to remind myself that it was my birthday, because it really didn't feel any different from any other Monday morning. I lay there drifting between sleep and wakefulness, in and out of those odd morning dream sequences.
The cat was giving me her usual early morning stare, using her telepathic powers to get me up so she could get a drink of water from the faucet. The dog was still asleep, but he is not a morning creature so there was nothing different there. So, it was a rather ordinary Monday morning that just happened to be the day I celebrate my birthday.
As I contemplated this over my mug of coffee, I had to acknowledge that this was all okay. I remember my first birthday on my own. I had (although I would not have acknowledged this) dreaded waking up alone on my birthday with no-one to wish me Happy Birthday and sing silly birthday songs to me. I am not sure why this bothered me so much but I just wasn't sure I would be able to deal with this. And yet, I woke up, and the day started, and I made my way through that day with birthday wishes from family and friends and celebration, and as I ended that day, I realized I had survived without a significant other by my side. The sun had come up, moved across the sky and set. My birthday was in fact merely a day, on which I acknowledged my age to those around me.
Today has been marked with phone calls, text messages and Face Book posts. A surprise (or maybe shocking) phone call came from my ex mid morning. We have not talked in more than a year, so that was really odd. We live in different cities and we have no reason to be in contact, so this was quite strange. Then of course I have had some of the obligatory calls wishing me a happy birthday and then checking to see if I have found a man, followed with the cautionary tale of "life is short", "you need to get out there - its been long enough"...
It drives me crazy, and yes I get it! It drives me crazy because I know they are probably right. I know for sure that life is often too short. I know that I have now been on my own for a long time, and I know I need to get out more. But honestly, do they have to remind me of all of this today?
Later this evening I will join some friends for dinner. I will be the only single person in this room full of friends, and for the most part I will be fine with that. But at some point during the evening, I will look around and the reality of my situation will hit me, and for one moment I will feel the agony of solitude and be overwhelmed by sadness. But it will only be a moment. I will remind myself that today is Monday and tomorrow will be Tuesday, and my birthday doesn't change that or much else.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Age Advantage?
This week I received the quarterly newsletter from one of the hospital systems in my community. It lists all the classes they offer, you know, CPR, grief management, exercise, nutrition, etc.
I decided that I should actually take a closer look at it and see what is being offered and really think about signing up to do something. I paged through, scanning the lists of classes, highlighting some that I thought I should think about...and then in the past few pages I noticed a special category, where the prices where distinctly lower.
That piqued my interest (especially after my recent visit to my tax accountant who informed me that he had underestimated my provisional state tax and now I owe the state more money than I think they deserve, but that is a story all of its own). So what made these classes less expensive, I wondered. I was already eyeing the yoga classes. And there it was - you had to sign up for AdvantAge - their "Seniors" program. Well, I thought that doesn't apply to me, but sadly in reading the fine print (maybe it wasn't really fine print) I saw that those of us 50+ can sign up. Really?
In my most recent yoga class where I am the oldest by several years, I am definitely the most flexible. What would happen in a seniors class? I had all sorts of scenarios running through my mind. Some of them really funny and some really scary!
As a single 50+ person, people are always telling me to join some group or take some sort of class so that I can meet other single people. This has never quite worked for me, and I will share these stories with you at some time. But I thought, imagine if I joined a seniors yoga class. Either I would be the most popular woman in the class (apparently people are fascinated with the fact that I can put my head on my knees and other flexible oddities) or I would be the most hated - for the same reasons.
So the newsletter remains on my desk while I continue to think about joining as age appropriate group. At least I am exercising my brain.
So long!
I decided that I should actually take a closer look at it and see what is being offered and really think about signing up to do something. I paged through, scanning the lists of classes, highlighting some that I thought I should think about...and then in the past few pages I noticed a special category, where the prices where distinctly lower.
That piqued my interest (especially after my recent visit to my tax accountant who informed me that he had underestimated my provisional state tax and now I owe the state more money than I think they deserve, but that is a story all of its own). So what made these classes less expensive, I wondered. I was already eyeing the yoga classes. And there it was - you had to sign up for AdvantAge - their "Seniors" program. Well, I thought that doesn't apply to me, but sadly in reading the fine print (maybe it wasn't really fine print) I saw that those of us 50+ can sign up. Really?
In my most recent yoga class where I am the oldest by several years, I am definitely the most flexible. What would happen in a seniors class? I had all sorts of scenarios running through my mind. Some of them really funny and some really scary!
As a single 50+ person, people are always telling me to join some group or take some sort of class so that I can meet other single people. This has never quite worked for me, and I will share these stories with you at some time. But I thought, imagine if I joined a seniors yoga class. Either I would be the most popular woman in the class (apparently people are fascinated with the fact that I can put my head on my knees and other flexible oddities) or I would be the most hated - for the same reasons.
So the newsletter remains on my desk while I continue to think about joining as age appropriate group. At least I am exercising my brain.
So long!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Getting Started
So here I am about two weeks from my 51st birthday. More than a year ago I started receiving letters from AARP encouraging me to join. I have successfully avoided membership - I just can't do ir!
After all I am not a "retired person" and at the rate things are going I don't know that I will ever have the privilege of being a "retired person". But more importantly joining AARP means that I would need to accept that I am "of a certain age". I am generally not overly concerned about my age but somehow being a member of a group based purely on my age is just a step I am not ready to take.
Despite my avoidance of AARP I cannot escape my reality. I am almost 51 and I am single. To give you some background I have been single since 2004 after my 21 year marriage ended unexpectedly (well, at least unexpected for me!) Actually I can't believe I have been single for this long.
Its been an interesting ride for me. I had never seen myself someone who would be single. I loved being married, so some how I thought I would find myself on that path again.
In the past 7 years I have gone through the various post-divorce stages - you know, anger, grief, remorse, recklessness, serial dating and some other stuff I don't know I want to admit to at this stage.
I have always had this theory that if you end a serious relationship, you have a window of "opportunity" during which you are vulnerable enough to be open to a relationship. You haven't quite gotten to the point where you feel confident on your own, so you are more likely to "let" someone into your life. When this vulnerability window closes, it becomes more and more difficult to let anyone in.
Some of us miss or almost miss this window, or we see it and let it close, or even close it ourselves. In my case I think I saw the window opening and I thought I had more time, and when I looked again it was closed.
I don't want you to think this has been a sad and miserable time for me. After the initial crying, sobbing, gnashing of teeth, I have had some really good times. What I have found is that this is a journey, as is life in general, and there are peaks and valleys and some really dark alleys, and depending on how you look at this, it can be at worst, a learning experience and at best, a wild and fun ride.
And this is what this blog will be about, the journey of being single and senior! The good and the bad, and hopefully along the way we will have some good laughs.
After all I am not a "retired person" and at the rate things are going I don't know that I will ever have the privilege of being a "retired person". But more importantly joining AARP means that I would need to accept that I am "of a certain age". I am generally not overly concerned about my age but somehow being a member of a group based purely on my age is just a step I am not ready to take.
Despite my avoidance of AARP I cannot escape my reality. I am almost 51 and I am single. To give you some background I have been single since 2004 after my 21 year marriage ended unexpectedly (well, at least unexpected for me!) Actually I can't believe I have been single for this long.
Its been an interesting ride for me. I had never seen myself someone who would be single. I loved being married, so some how I thought I would find myself on that path again.
In the past 7 years I have gone through the various post-divorce stages - you know, anger, grief, remorse, recklessness, serial dating and some other stuff I don't know I want to admit to at this stage.
I have always had this theory that if you end a serious relationship, you have a window of "opportunity" during which you are vulnerable enough to be open to a relationship. You haven't quite gotten to the point where you feel confident on your own, so you are more likely to "let" someone into your life. When this vulnerability window closes, it becomes more and more difficult to let anyone in.
Some of us miss or almost miss this window, or we see it and let it close, or even close it ourselves. In my case I think I saw the window opening and I thought I had more time, and when I looked again it was closed.
I don't want you to think this has been a sad and miserable time for me. After the initial crying, sobbing, gnashing of teeth, I have had some really good times. What I have found is that this is a journey, as is life in general, and there are peaks and valleys and some really dark alleys, and depending on how you look at this, it can be at worst, a learning experience and at best, a wild and fun ride.
And this is what this blog will be about, the journey of being single and senior! The good and the bad, and hopefully along the way we will have some good laughs.
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