Yesterday was Father’s Day. I am extremely fortunate to still have both my parents and even though we live on different continents we are very much part of each other’s lives. My father is now in his mid-eighties and in poor health. His mind is sound but his body is frail. And when I see him there is always a part of me that gasps in shock at his diminished physical form. Once a giant of a man in my eyes, my protector, my provider, my champion, my moral compass, my rock, he is now bowed in pain and fragility.
I am one of those lucky girls, or women, who have or have had the privilege of having a great relationship with their father. I am a self proclaimed, proud, Daddy’s girl. For the longest time I didn’t realize the importance and rarity of this relationship. I thought this was the norm. It was only when I was much older that I started to realize a good father-daughter relationship is not every girl’s experience. And it took me even longer to realize how important and valuable this is.
My father is the first man I loved and the first man to love me. Little did I know how this love would shape my life. I grew up knowing each day I was loved and cherished. This love provided me with an enormous safety net in which I could live my life. It gave me a kind of freedom to be myself but also to explore. I could try things and whether I succeeded or failed I would always have a soft landing. I knew I could trust my father implicitly. I found out very quickly my father is a man of his word. He always does what he said he will, be it reward or punishment. As a child I found it reassuring to know my boundaries and the consequences if boundaries were breached. I knew and know where I stand with my father. His high standards were often challenging but I knew he never expected more from me than what he knew I was capable of. He believed in me, even through my rebellious teenage years and he still believes in me.
My father is an extraordinarily kind and thoughtful man. When he was still mobile, and I would go home to visit, he would always hide a stash of my favorite treats in my closet. Every few days the supply would magically be replenished. He has always done things like this – things that make you realize he is thinking about YOU! Now that he is no longer able to get around, he has passed this task onto my mother. I still have my stash of treats waiting for me when I visit.
There are so many stories I could tell of my father’s goodness, his principled life, his strength, and his sense of humor, but the purpose of this is not to give a list of his accomplishments but rather to show how his love has shaped my life.
It is my firm belief that you learn from all the people you encounter in your life. If your first life lesson from a man is positive, I think it guides you to look for more positive role models as you move through life. This first male role model sets the standard – be it positive or negative. It helps you determine what acceptable or appropriate behavior is from others. And it gives you the strength to navigate through the times when you have no option but to deal with negative behavior.
For me this has meant that the love and life example of my father has led to seek out and recognize other strong and positive men. I know what a good man looks like. I know how a good man treats his family. I know this because my father is a good man who has always loved me. He has loved me even when I cut my bangs off at the scalp, he loved me when I was a know-it-all teenager, and he loves me today.
I feel that love across the miles. It comforts me today, as it did when I was four and had a scraped knee, and when I was forty-two and my marriage ended. I think my father’s love has made me braver and stronger, and it inspires me to be kinder and more compassionate. It gives me the courage to challenge myself to do better and to do “good”. I think it made me a better wife, and it makes me a better friend. His love has made it easier for me to find other good men, who have also influenced my life. It makes me willing to hold out to find a good man and the courage to know that if I don’t find a good man, he has equipped me with all the skills I need to live a good life as a good woman.
The love of a father is a powerful thing and I am humbled and eternally grateful to have this love from my good father.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Growing old with someone
As I mentioned in my previous post, I received dating advice from several sources while on my most recent business trip.
Here is some more advice received from a pleasantly unexpected source. I met a gentleman from the same country I grew up in. It was a chance meeting as he was at the same conference I was. It is always fun to meet someone from "home" and talk with the same accent and the same terms of reference, so I made the most of it. As we talked, he asked the usual questions about where I grew up, is my family still there, and how did I end up here? My response to this question, then launched us down the path of my current relationship status.
He was most interested to find out if my ex was also from the same country. When I confirmed this, he found himself apologizing on behalf of all men in my homeland and adding men do stupid things.
I responded nonchalantly "things happen and usually for a good reason". He surprised me when he said, "Are you sure about that? We all say that, but is that really true?"
I was a little taken aback only because, let's face it, haven't we all silently asked the same question? It is something we always say, and do we say it because we really believe it, or do we say it because it gives us some kind of hope something better might be waiting for us?
He went on to tell me his rather interesting relationship story. He and his wife were married for 7 or 8 years and then divorced for about the same amount of time and then remarried. They have been married for 7 or so years this time around and have a "honeymoon baby" aged 6. "So, don't give up hope," he said. I really hoped he didn't mean I might get back together with my ex!
Then the advice began. "You really should try to find someone. Its much better to have someone to grow old with," he warned. "Are you parents still alive?" he asked. I responded they are. "Here, you see how nice it is for them to have each other as they get old!"
In my parents case he could not be more accurate. My mother is my father's primary and most amazing caregiver. My father is so dependant on my mother, and it pains him that he is no longer the strong man he used to be. His physical frailties make him a demanding charge, and he hates it but that is his reality. He tells me he knows if it weren't for my mother he would not be alive. But its more than gratitude he feels. And when I watch my mother in this role of caregiver for her once strong husband, I realize I am witnessing pure love.
So, whether my fellow countryman's advice is appropriate for me, his point is well taken - having someone to grow old with could be one of life's greatest blessings.
Here is some more advice received from a pleasantly unexpected source. I met a gentleman from the same country I grew up in. It was a chance meeting as he was at the same conference I was. It is always fun to meet someone from "home" and talk with the same accent and the same terms of reference, so I made the most of it. As we talked, he asked the usual questions about where I grew up, is my family still there, and how did I end up here? My response to this question, then launched us down the path of my current relationship status.
He was most interested to find out if my ex was also from the same country. When I confirmed this, he found himself apologizing on behalf of all men in my homeland and adding men do stupid things.
I responded nonchalantly "things happen and usually for a good reason". He surprised me when he said, "Are you sure about that? We all say that, but is that really true?"
I was a little taken aback only because, let's face it, haven't we all silently asked the same question? It is something we always say, and do we say it because we really believe it, or do we say it because it gives us some kind of hope something better might be waiting for us?
He went on to tell me his rather interesting relationship story. He and his wife were married for 7 or 8 years and then divorced for about the same amount of time and then remarried. They have been married for 7 or so years this time around and have a "honeymoon baby" aged 6. "So, don't give up hope," he said. I really hoped he didn't mean I might get back together with my ex!
Then the advice began. "You really should try to find someone. Its much better to have someone to grow old with," he warned. "Are you parents still alive?" he asked. I responded they are. "Here, you see how nice it is for them to have each other as they get old!"
In my parents case he could not be more accurate. My mother is my father's primary and most amazing caregiver. My father is so dependant on my mother, and it pains him that he is no longer the strong man he used to be. His physical frailties make him a demanding charge, and he hates it but that is his reality. He tells me he knows if it weren't for my mother he would not be alive. But its more than gratitude he feels. And when I watch my mother in this role of caregiver for her once strong husband, I realize I am witnessing pure love.
So, whether my fellow countryman's advice is appropriate for me, his point is well taken - having someone to grow old with could be one of life's greatest blessings.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Dating advice from my cab driver
I spent the last few days at a conference in Chicago. It was, as usual mostly work and not a lot of play. Four days in a strange city and mostly on my own, I did a lot of people watching and in lots of interesting places and as usual I got some dating advice - again from some unusual sources.
My first advisor was the cab driver, who took me from the airport to my hotel. Before the journey even began, this guy was in a bad mood. He was having some verbal altercation with the guy at the airport who calls the next taxi in line. So, when I got in the cab, he was fuming. For some reason I have yet to understand I thought if I said something nice and cheerful it might help. I said, "It's a lovely sunny day today!" He responded it was too hot. I decided to abandon any further attempts to cheer him up, and quietly looked out the window. After a few minutes of silence he asked where I was from. Now because I have an accent, when people ask me this question I never know whether they are asking where I live or where I am from. Generally I answer by telling them where I live, and I did so in this case.
He quickly told me what he wanted to know was where I was from originally. I told him and as I suspected from his accent, we are both from Africa but from different countries. The questions continued: Am I married? No. Do you have children? No. Do you have a boyfriend? No. Why not? I haven't met the right person. How long have you been divorced? Seven years. And you haven't found the right person? No. Why? I don't know.
Then he said something interesting. He said, "You need to go home to find a man." Something in what he said made me wonder, could he be on to something?
I had been married to someone from my home country. Sure we had shared the same values, but it was more than that. We had a shared history of our culture and country. You might say we spoke the same "language". And there was a great deal of comfort in that.
As I have dated other men of other cultures, I have to admit that even when I felt really close to them, there were always times when I felt like a foreigner. This doesn't only apply to dating. After living here for 20 years, there are some days when I feel so foreign. After all this time I still sometimes have to explain myself to friends and colleagues.
So, could my cab driver from Ghana have a valid point? I remember meeting a guy a few years ago, and he told me that even though he was not that religious and had (in one of his marriages) been married to a Christian woman, now that he was getting older, he really wanted to find a woman from his own religion, really from his own culture. I remember at the time only sort of understanding what he was saying. But as the years have rolled by I have often thought back to that conversation, because I really do think I am beginning to understand what he means.
Is it normal as we get older to want to return to what is familiar, to a place where we can be who we are and with people who share the same language (be that spoken language, culture or customs)?
In case you are convinced my cab driver is some sort of philosopher, or relationship guru, I should add that after all these questions and suggestions, he did suggest he might move to the city where I live, and I could date him! Makes you think, doesn't it?
My first advisor was the cab driver, who took me from the airport to my hotel. Before the journey even began, this guy was in a bad mood. He was having some verbal altercation with the guy at the airport who calls the next taxi in line. So, when I got in the cab, he was fuming. For some reason I have yet to understand I thought if I said something nice and cheerful it might help. I said, "It's a lovely sunny day today!" He responded it was too hot. I decided to abandon any further attempts to cheer him up, and quietly looked out the window. After a few minutes of silence he asked where I was from. Now because I have an accent, when people ask me this question I never know whether they are asking where I live or where I am from. Generally I answer by telling them where I live, and I did so in this case.
He quickly told me what he wanted to know was where I was from originally. I told him and as I suspected from his accent, we are both from Africa but from different countries. The questions continued: Am I married? No. Do you have children? No. Do you have a boyfriend? No. Why not? I haven't met the right person. How long have you been divorced? Seven years. And you haven't found the right person? No. Why? I don't know.
Then he said something interesting. He said, "You need to go home to find a man." Something in what he said made me wonder, could he be on to something?
I had been married to someone from my home country. Sure we had shared the same values, but it was more than that. We had a shared history of our culture and country. You might say we spoke the same "language". And there was a great deal of comfort in that.
As I have dated other men of other cultures, I have to admit that even when I felt really close to them, there were always times when I felt like a foreigner. This doesn't only apply to dating. After living here for 20 years, there are some days when I feel so foreign. After all this time I still sometimes have to explain myself to friends and colleagues.
So, could my cab driver from Ghana have a valid point? I remember meeting a guy a few years ago, and he told me that even though he was not that religious and had (in one of his marriages) been married to a Christian woman, now that he was getting older, he really wanted to find a woman from his own religion, really from his own culture. I remember at the time only sort of understanding what he was saying. But as the years have rolled by I have often thought back to that conversation, because I really do think I am beginning to understand what he means.
Is it normal as we get older to want to return to what is familiar, to a place where we can be who we are and with people who share the same language (be that spoken language, culture or customs)?
In case you are convinced my cab driver is some sort of philosopher, or relationship guru, I should add that after all these questions and suggestions, he did suggest he might move to the city where I live, and I could date him! Makes you think, doesn't it?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Painting myself out of a corner
It's back to work after a long holiday weekend, although I seemed to "work" all weekend. Actually I accomplised a lot. The weather was glorious - okay it was really hot and humid, but after the miserable winter we had, I promised not to complain when it got hot. So, let's see how that promise holds up.
I cut the grass, trimmed the edges, trimmed tree and shrubs, took the trimmer into the woods and tried to reclaim some ground. I power washed the deck and screened porch, weeded the circle in my neighborhood, watered my vacationing neighbors plants, and then stained the porch and deck.
Along with entertaining some friends, general cleaning and laundry, a chick flick with my girl friends, that was the weekend in summary. Busy, productive, exhausting and strangely exhilarating.
As I was painstakingly painting the floor of the screened porch, I realized something. I was painting over the white porch floor that has been the bane of my life for 12 years. I was turning it into a glorious rich maghony color. As I painted, it dawned on me I was painting over a color that I had not chosen, but had to live with and deal with. Do you know how hard it is to keep a white floor on a screened porch clean?
As the chocolately color rolled onto each board, I had to acknowledge I was doing more than painting the porch floor, I was reclaiming it as my own. And I was doing it! I was taking back the porch and in doing so taking back another part of my life.
At some point in the weekend, I saw an interview with the author of a new book, called "Run like a Girl". In the book she talks about how women have used sports to empower themselves. As I painted, cut, trimmed,and more this weekend, I realized that every one of these actions was empowering me.
As I lay in bed last night, I looked back on the weekend, and felt good. I had checked off a lot of "things" on the to-do list, and I had accomplished a lot.
I cut the grass, trimmed the edges, trimmed tree and shrubs, took the trimmer into the woods and tried to reclaim some ground. I power washed the deck and screened porch, weeded the circle in my neighborhood, watered my vacationing neighbors plants, and then stained the porch and deck.
Along with entertaining some friends, general cleaning and laundry, a chick flick with my girl friends, that was the weekend in summary. Busy, productive, exhausting and strangely exhilarating.
As I was painstakingly painting the floor of the screened porch, I realized something. I was painting over the white porch floor that has been the bane of my life for 12 years. I was turning it into a glorious rich maghony color. As I painted, it dawned on me I was painting over a color that I had not chosen, but had to live with and deal with. Do you know how hard it is to keep a white floor on a screened porch clean?
As the chocolately color rolled onto each board, I had to acknowledge I was doing more than painting the porch floor, I was reclaiming it as my own. And I was doing it! I was taking back the porch and in doing so taking back another part of my life.
At some point in the weekend, I saw an interview with the author of a new book, called "Run like a Girl". In the book she talks about how women have used sports to empower themselves. As I painted, cut, trimmed,and more this weekend, I realized that every one of these actions was empowering me.
As I lay in bed last night, I looked back on the weekend, and felt good. I had checked off a lot of "things" on the to-do list, and I had accomplished a lot.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
What is the cost of being a "nice" girl?
Early this week I had an experience that was unpleasant and unsettling. And it has forced me to look at myself and ask some hard questions.
This incident relates to my professional life but the more I thought about it the more I realized the vulnerabilities in my work persona and also vulnerabilities in my personal life. There really is no difference between the two. But let me explain.
This weekend something went horribly wrong in my professional life (the details are not important). This was not something I could have prevented or avoided, it was outside of my control. I assessed the situation and made what I thought was the correct interim decision. All but two people agreed with my decision - a husband and wife duo. And the husband launched an attack on me that was completely irrational, brutal and very definitely unprofessional. I responded to him in a professional manner, trying to explain how the situation had occurred and why I had made my decision.
He was at that point of irrationality that no matter what I said he wasn't listening. So, I thought I would diffuse the situation by apologizing (actually I am not sure what I was apologizing for but I thought it might help). He refused to accept my apology saying he wanted me to acknowledge I was wrong and had made a mistake. I was not willing to do that! All of this was being witnessed (electronically) by others including my "real" boss.
My boss called me to tell me how inappropriate the other guy's behavior was and he was acting like a bully. He told me to brush it off, and not pay any attention to it. I reminded him this was easier said than done. This after all is my livelihood and this man wields a great deal of power. As a single person, I have one income - mine! And if something happens to my job I have no safety net. I have no family who can help support me.
My boss agreed I should definitely not provide the acknowledgment this person wanted but he said, "Let it go, it will all blow over in a few days!" And he is probably correct. It will blow over - at least until the next time. This is not the first time this man has lashed out at me for no rational reason.
I can understand my boss wants to avoid confronting this person, but if I say nothing what does that say about me? I know he would never say the things he said to me, to anyone else involved in this organization, so am I becoming his personal whipping boy?
Is my boss right when he says if I ignore the rancor I empower myself? Or does my silence give this person the message it is okay to treat me like this?
And this is what makes me ask questions about myself. I am generally what you would call a "nice girl". I truly believe in, and make a conscious choice to be nice - polite, respectful, kind... Does this "niceness" make some people think its okay to treat me badly? Does it open me to abusive behavior?
Do I do this in other areas of my life? I think of myself as a strong person, in fact I know I am a strong person, but do I put up with bad behavior in an attempt to be "nice"?
Food for thought!
This incident relates to my professional life but the more I thought about it the more I realized the vulnerabilities in my work persona and also vulnerabilities in my personal life. There really is no difference between the two. But let me explain.
This weekend something went horribly wrong in my professional life (the details are not important). This was not something I could have prevented or avoided, it was outside of my control. I assessed the situation and made what I thought was the correct interim decision. All but two people agreed with my decision - a husband and wife duo. And the husband launched an attack on me that was completely irrational, brutal and very definitely unprofessional. I responded to him in a professional manner, trying to explain how the situation had occurred and why I had made my decision.
He was at that point of irrationality that no matter what I said he wasn't listening. So, I thought I would diffuse the situation by apologizing (actually I am not sure what I was apologizing for but I thought it might help). He refused to accept my apology saying he wanted me to acknowledge I was wrong and had made a mistake. I was not willing to do that! All of this was being witnessed (electronically) by others including my "real" boss.
My boss called me to tell me how inappropriate the other guy's behavior was and he was acting like a bully. He told me to brush it off, and not pay any attention to it. I reminded him this was easier said than done. This after all is my livelihood and this man wields a great deal of power. As a single person, I have one income - mine! And if something happens to my job I have no safety net. I have no family who can help support me.
My boss agreed I should definitely not provide the acknowledgment this person wanted but he said, "Let it go, it will all blow over in a few days!" And he is probably correct. It will blow over - at least until the next time. This is not the first time this man has lashed out at me for no rational reason.
I can understand my boss wants to avoid confronting this person, but if I say nothing what does that say about me? I know he would never say the things he said to me, to anyone else involved in this organization, so am I becoming his personal whipping boy?
Is my boss right when he says if I ignore the rancor I empower myself? Or does my silence give this person the message it is okay to treat me like this?
And this is what makes me ask questions about myself. I am generally what you would call a "nice girl". I truly believe in, and make a conscious choice to be nice - polite, respectful, kind... Does this "niceness" make some people think its okay to treat me badly? Does it open me to abusive behavior?
Do I do this in other areas of my life? I think of myself as a strong person, in fact I know I am a strong person, but do I put up with bad behavior in an attempt to be "nice"?
Food for thought!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Post Royal Wedding Thoughts
I am willing to admit I am one of the many that set their alarms for 4am on Friday morning to watch the Royal Wedding. I have several reasons for this, first, I am an unashamed Angophile, second, I watched Charles and Diana's wedding thirty years ago and being able to watch their son's wedding seemed fitting, and third, at heart I am a romantic.
That being said, I am not a big believer of fairy tales. I have lived long enough to know your prince may come but like all the rest of us, a prince is a human being who is flawed. The same goes for the princess. We are all flawed. So, it wasn't seeing a "commoner" marrying her prince and living happily ever after that appealed to me. It was much more.
Weddings, or really good weddings, or maybe I should say really "earnest" weddings with heartfelt emotions are to me, a symbol of the some of the best of what we as human beings are capable of. Think of it, despite all the negative things going on in the rest of the world, with sky rocketing divorce rates, two people stand up and say, "We think we can make it!"
There is something so courageous about that, and that is so appealing to me.
On a daily basis, we see betrayal,relationships falling apart, messy, horrible divorces, children tugged between parents and much more. It can make us doubt ourselves, our way of life and what we believe in. It certainly makes us doubt the whole fairy tale! And yet, every day, couples across the world defy the odds. Now some of the skeptics out there may say this is not courage but foolishness. Why would you embark on marriage when the success rate is falling? Why indeed?
Do we continue to pledge our love to another because we are foolish, or because we are courageous? Do we do this because we think "our" love will survive, or that we will be different? Or do we do this because we as human beings need to believe in the future, in hope and in love?
Maybe now more than ever we need the kind of love that makes us feel we can overcome everything placed in front of us. When we watch a couple look into each other's eyes and see only possibility, we want that too.
We want the feeling someone is willing to promise their all to us, but probably more importantly, we want, even for a few moments, to have someone believe in us, in our very best self, and see all the promise and possibilities we have! Our flawed imperfect selves for that moment become a prince or princess or if you prefer a super hero! Have you ever listen to someone talk about the love of their life and watched their face transform, their eyes sparkle. They see that person in ways that you don't see them.
So, when I watched that young couple on Friday, I saw a couple showing the world despite all that has happened in the world, in their own families, they were willing to take the chance on each other and on love.
Who knows how things will turn out for them, but I hope they defy the odds. I hope they have a long and happy life together. Because that will give us all hope and courage.
That being said, I am not a big believer of fairy tales. I have lived long enough to know your prince may come but like all the rest of us, a prince is a human being who is flawed. The same goes for the princess. We are all flawed. So, it wasn't seeing a "commoner" marrying her prince and living happily ever after that appealed to me. It was much more.
Weddings, or really good weddings, or maybe I should say really "earnest" weddings with heartfelt emotions are to me, a symbol of the some of the best of what we as human beings are capable of. Think of it, despite all the negative things going on in the rest of the world, with sky rocketing divorce rates, two people stand up and say, "We think we can make it!"
There is something so courageous about that, and that is so appealing to me.
On a daily basis, we see betrayal,relationships falling apart, messy, horrible divorces, children tugged between parents and much more. It can make us doubt ourselves, our way of life and what we believe in. It certainly makes us doubt the whole fairy tale! And yet, every day, couples across the world defy the odds. Now some of the skeptics out there may say this is not courage but foolishness. Why would you embark on marriage when the success rate is falling? Why indeed?
Do we continue to pledge our love to another because we are foolish, or because we are courageous? Do we do this because we think "our" love will survive, or that we will be different? Or do we do this because we as human beings need to believe in the future, in hope and in love?
Maybe now more than ever we need the kind of love that makes us feel we can overcome everything placed in front of us. When we watch a couple look into each other's eyes and see only possibility, we want that too.
We want the feeling someone is willing to promise their all to us, but probably more importantly, we want, even for a few moments, to have someone believe in us, in our very best self, and see all the promise and possibilities we have! Our flawed imperfect selves for that moment become a prince or princess or if you prefer a super hero! Have you ever listen to someone talk about the love of their life and watched their face transform, their eyes sparkle. They see that person in ways that you don't see them.
So, when I watched that young couple on Friday, I saw a couple showing the world despite all that has happened in the world, in their own families, they were willing to take the chance on each other and on love.
Who knows how things will turn out for them, but I hope they defy the odds. I hope they have a long and happy life together. Because that will give us all hope and courage.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
The Art of Vulnerability
Earlier this week I had lunch with one of my very few single friends. We had not seen each other in a while so there was a lot to catch up on - work, family, mutual friends and of course dating. Or in our case, the lack of dating.
Now she is single, but she has not yet reached the "senior" stage of her life. She said she was almost ready to dive back into the on-line dating pool, but she was really cautious. She has also had some "interesting" things happen to her in her previous on-line dating attempts. I looked at her and wondered why she is still single. She is beautiful, athletic, intelligent, financially secure, great job, and just a lovely personality. Was this not enough, or are men looking for something else, something more or maybe something less?
We both "talk" for a living. What I mean is we both spend most of our time talking to people, building collaborative partnerships and generally trying to make people feel comfortable with us. So, I wondered if we were both doing this when we went on dates. I know when friends had asked me if I got nervous before a first date, I would say "No, not really, because I treat these first dates like I would a business meeting." I deal with any anxiety about meeting someone in much the same way as I would when meeting a new business associate. Go in with confidence, make them feel at ease, listen well but be prepared to carry the conversation if needed. Think on your feet, respond to cues...
I know this has caused problems for me, as it almost takes away that gut feeling you have about someone. As a result I have never been able to figure out if a date has been successful or not. I also know many dates have been turned off by my seemingly absent vulnerability. Was this what my friend was doing as well?
It's strange to me how we strive to be strong and independant, and work on overcoming our vulnerabilities. And yet, perhaps it is our vulnerabilities that make us appealing to others at an emotional level. Perhaps we are programmed to respond to vulnerability. The cry of a baby, the whine of a dog, the anguish of a friend - we all respond to these signs of fragility.
But as we grow isn't it good that we try to be strong? Does being strong mean we aren't vulnerable? The way I look at it, being strong means you know about being vulnerable, you know about weakness and human fragility. Lurking under the surface of calm composure is a vulnerable, fragile person.
I wondered if my friend and I have become so accomplished at the art of conversation that we have lost the art of vulnerability.
Now she is single, but she has not yet reached the "senior" stage of her life. She said she was almost ready to dive back into the on-line dating pool, but she was really cautious. She has also had some "interesting" things happen to her in her previous on-line dating attempts. I looked at her and wondered why she is still single. She is beautiful, athletic, intelligent, financially secure, great job, and just a lovely personality. Was this not enough, or are men looking for something else, something more or maybe something less?
We both "talk" for a living. What I mean is we both spend most of our time talking to people, building collaborative partnerships and generally trying to make people feel comfortable with us. So, I wondered if we were both doing this when we went on dates. I know when friends had asked me if I got nervous before a first date, I would say "No, not really, because I treat these first dates like I would a business meeting." I deal with any anxiety about meeting someone in much the same way as I would when meeting a new business associate. Go in with confidence, make them feel at ease, listen well but be prepared to carry the conversation if needed. Think on your feet, respond to cues...
I know this has caused problems for me, as it almost takes away that gut feeling you have about someone. As a result I have never been able to figure out if a date has been successful or not. I also know many dates have been turned off by my seemingly absent vulnerability. Was this what my friend was doing as well?
It's strange to me how we strive to be strong and independant, and work on overcoming our vulnerabilities. And yet, perhaps it is our vulnerabilities that make us appealing to others at an emotional level. Perhaps we are programmed to respond to vulnerability. The cry of a baby, the whine of a dog, the anguish of a friend - we all respond to these signs of fragility.
But as we grow isn't it good that we try to be strong? Does being strong mean we aren't vulnerable? The way I look at it, being strong means you know about being vulnerable, you know about weakness and human fragility. Lurking under the surface of calm composure is a vulnerable, fragile person.
I wondered if my friend and I have become so accomplished at the art of conversation that we have lost the art of vulnerability.
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